The Loser's Guide to New York City

Can This Really Be Manhattan?

2009-08-13T16:47:00.004-04:00

Believe it or not, there are actually still unexplored parts of Manhattan, and we're not just talking about Washington Heights. NYC-based artist Matthew Jensen is photographing the "nowhere" spots, places that are not built up at all and are not designated parks. Not all of these places are lush landscapes. Most are abandoned buildings and overgrown plots of land. But there are some untouched scenic spots, which serve as a reminder that even in a city as overdeveloped as New York, there can still be untapped treasures. So go out and explore the rest of Manhattan, but be quiet about it. The last thing we need is to see another Times Square sitting on the landscape above in ten years.

Portrait of the Big Apple

2009-08-13T14:26:00.008-04:00

Sometimes you can go weeks in this city without recognizing anyone you pass on the streets. Perhaps this shouldn't be too surprising given how many millions of people live in New York and how many more pass through here every day. But you don't really start to feel a part of a community until you get to know the people. Luckily, one artist has taken on the incredible task of drawing every single person in New York. He sketches in the subways, museums and in Taco Bell and is on the verge of creating the most comprehensive catalog of New Yorkers ever. We can finally get to know all our neighbors. Look through his blog and maybe you'll even find yourself.

A Little of Everything

2009-08-13T14:25:00.025-04:00

New York is by far the most multicultural place in the world. Queens alone has more variety than the rest of the Western Hemisphere. So it should be no surprise that this city offers some of the best ethnic cuisine on the planet. With so much variety though, it can be hard to figure out where to start. We asked our resident food expert, Angelica, to put together a short list of some of the best exotic restaurants in New York. Put down that cheeseburger for two minutes and read this:

La Portena
Argentinean

This excellent restaurant in Jackson Heights is very authentic to its ethnic roots. The restaurant has a very classy, yet comfortable ambiance. The people working there are extra sweet, and the food is unbeatable. I recommend any of their salads, especially the Russian Salad, which comes with potato, carrots, peas and mayonnaise. If you're craving something meatier, their Skirt Steak is tender, juicy and well seasoned with a perfect little complementary sauce. To die for!

Jardin de China
Chinese and Spanish

A Chinese restaurant where the servers speak Spanish? Cultural meshing like that only happens in New York. I've been eating at this restaurant in Corona since I was a little girl and it still hasn't lost its charm. There are an endless amount of tasty well-priced combinations. There's the boneless crackling chicken with rice and platanos if you're in the mood for something Spanish or the beef and pepper steak if you're leaning towards Chinese. And if you can't make up your mind, try the sesame chicken with rice and beans. The possibilities are endless.

Pollos A la Brasa Mario
Colombian

This joint, also located in Jackson Heights, offers big affordable portions of the best Colombian food you'll find anywhere in New York. The dishes are always exactly what you ask for, nothing more, nothing less. I recommend trying the Bandeja Tipica. It's grilled steak with rice, beans, plantains and some delicious crackling pork. Even if you've never eaten Colombian food, it will hit the spot. Best of all, it's open 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Caridad Restaurante
Dominican

This hole in the wall on the Upper West Side offers great cheap food. Get a whole chicken with rice and beans for just ten dollars. But the real bargain are the lunch specials, which cost all of $7. There's something here for every meal of the day. Start your mornings right with some Mangu (mashed plantains). For lunch grab the scrumptious Cuban sandwich. Finish your day with one of the daily specials. I recommend the stewed oxtail. But if that sounds too exotic, stick with the whole chicken. Then start all over again the next day.

Got a recommendation for the best NYC ethnic cuisine? Leave a comment here or e-mail us at losersguidenyc@gmail.com

Meeting People Can Be Easy

2009-08-13T14:25:00.024-04:00

It's hard for a loser to meet people in any city, but in New York, forget about it. The good bars are too loud and crowded to make a move and, as our Cassanova Correspondant, Varun, reported previously, the subway system seems to be built to prevent flirtation.

That's why we are excited to read about a small bar that provides a safe zone for meeting people one night a week. Every Friday night, the Big Six Lounge on the Bowery hosts an hour of free jello shots and conversation. Employees at the bar will take the initiative to introduce you around to everyone at the bar. It's like a singles night where you don't have to come up with an opening line (though you will need to say something eventually). What do you have to lose? Everyone is there to meet people like you. Worst case scenario: you just get free jello shots and go somewhere else.

You Think Our Subways Are Complicated?

2009-08-13T14:24:00.006-04:00

New Yorkers have a tendency to think in hyperboles. We have the fastest walkers, the best pizza and the sleaziest ex-governor. Some may also believe we have the most intricate subway system on the planet. But wait until you see the competition. Just compare our system to Tokyo's, which mixes public and private transit networks, and you'll never complain about the MTA again:

For more crazy transit maps, check out Treehugger.com

Strangest NYC Job of the Week

2009-08-13T14:23:00.009-04:00

Pest Control Technicians Needed/No Experience Necessary/We Train!

*The Pest Control Service Technicians responsibilities are to service commercial accounts for pest problems, in a manner that reduces call-back’s from our customers. An ideal applicant would be someone who is not afraid to get dusty, dirty, greasy, or grimy during their route. Pest Control Service Technicians on a daily/nightly basis must kneel, bend, reach, and crawl to inspect, modify, and treat structures.

*Technicians work typically both indoors and out, in all weather conditions, which may be extremely hot or extremely cold at times. During hot weather, Technicians must be comfortable wearing heavy protective gear; such as respirators, gloves, and goggles. During cold weather, Technicians must be able to withstand cold/frigid temperatures for long periods of time.

*At times you will be required to travel far distances to service an account. Some stops that you will be sent to will not be easy to park at so; we are looking for someone who is patient and willing to spend the time necessary to plan ahead, find legal parking, be on time, do a good job and leave a good impression of themselves and of the company.

*This position is physically demanding and we are looking for a future Service Technician who can dedicate their time to doing the job right. We are only looking for individuals who are on time, friendly, polite, honest, hardworking and have a positive attitude. If you are always late, or are lazy, have a chip on your shoulder, or are looking for a job where you are paid to sleep, do very little and simply go through the motions just to get paid then, this is NOT the job for you! We are only looking for organized, neat and clean individuals. If you are sloppily dressed or have a lackluster work ethic please do NOT apply to this position!

For the original link, go here.

Catch In the Subway

2009-07-11T23:40:00.020-04:00

Our Junior Correspondent, Seth, gets in touch with his childish side for this report on how one kid can change the dynamic of an entire subway car, at least for a little while.

On a recent Friday, I got on the 3 train at 125th street. The car was mostly empty, but quickly filled up as we sped farther downtown. Commuters in business casual attire started filing in at 96th street. By 72nd street, the car was crowded with tourists as well as college kids ready for a night of drinking.

A black child with corn rows, no older than 5 or 6, sat beside his mother near the doors. He had a bright orange ball in his hand, the size of a softball. After looking at her for approval, he started to toss the ball up and down, but the combination of a poor throwing arm and a ton of subway obstacles caused the ball to go spiraling away from him each time.

On any other day of the week, this would most likely enrage half the subway car. Tired men in business suits would have scowled at the boy and his mother for interrupting their long commute; couples would think his playfulness cute at first, but the noisy kid and his intrusive ball would slowly eat away at them until someone would whisper too loudly that the kid needed to be controlled, and the mother would grab him and leave at the next stop. But not on Friday, with the weekend and all its possibilities within arm's reach.

One by one, everyone within 10 feet of the boy found themselves playing catch with him. It started with an older man in a polo shirt sitting in the next seat. Each time the boy tossed the ball up, the man would try to intercept it and, if successful, would then try to fake the boy out. Then the game spread. The boy threw the ball at a man leaning against the pole, who looked like an Abercrombie Model. Good looking people don't always have good reflexes but this guy did. Pretty soon, he was fully engaged in the game of catch, flashing a smile so white it made the subway car look clean.

The game kept spreading outward, to a college couple across the aisle. The man seemed shy but each time he caught the ball, he grinned at his sharp nosed girl and she stared proudly back at him. Another middle aged man stared longingly at the game, perhaps wanting to get back to his own son to play, perhaps just eager to get involved in these subway antics. After a long while, the ball finally approached him and he fumbled it, dropping it to the floor. He tossed it back quickly and resumed watching.

The game raged on for several subway stops. Everyone in the car watched and clapped whenever the boy made a catch, and laughed when he dropped the ball, like a room full of amused parents. But the game did not spread to everyone. The ball hit a black man once in the head and once on the shoulder. He had a cap pulled low over his eyes and refused to acknowledge either incident. The ball wizzed by two girls absorbed with their cell phones, even though their phones had no signals underground. The ball landed in front of a man with his eyes closed, head back, listening to his iPod. He did not budge.

Finally, the boy and his mother got out at 34th street. The rest of the game's star players exited over the next couple stops and the subway car gradually quieted down, everyone now ready and waiting to arrive at their destinations.

Random Advice from A Free NYC Enthusiast

2009-07-08T12:14:00.017-04:00

Given how expensive New York can be, it's understandable that many of us are on the lookout for free things. We've gotten free bar food, iPod accessories, movie screenings, leftover furniture and we are regular suckers for wine tastings. But not everything that's free is good, and there is one free thing in particular that you should avoid at all costs: Free Art Shows at the Mormon Church. It may sound like a decent idea at first. Who doesn't like art? And who cares if it's religious, isn't most good art religious? And, of course, it's free! But trust us, once they get you inside that Church, you'll have to fight your way out. So if you want a good free art show, just go to the Moma on Fridays instead.

My Morning Adventures

2009-07-08T12:08:00.006-04:00

Our overworked freelancer, Varun, takes a minute to appreciate the joys of his morning commute.

Every morning on my commute to work, I have the great fortune of walking through central Harlem, from Lenox Avenue to St. Nicholas. In New York, little every day practices like the trek to work bring a sense of familiarity that help make an otherwise foreboding city seem like home. For me, the 10 minute walk to the A train is rarely unpleasant, sometimes educational, and always entertaining. This morning was no exception.

During the first few blocks of my journey, I encountered the usual cast of characters, like a scene from the iconic Spike Lee joint, "Do the Right Thing". On 128th and Lenox was Harlem’s resident sage, an old, seemingly homeless man armed with colorful sidewalk chalk which he uses to create powerful messages to the youth like “Your mind is a treasure chest -- and a book is the key!”. On 126th, I get my morning musical fix from the man who plays swinging jazz tunes on his keyboard religiously every day (when it’s not raining).

Then, there is the military man who patrols the streets every day on the corner of 125th and Lenox in the same set of army fatigues, carrying a pair of binoculars to keep a close eye on the city. As I approach the Apollo Theater, I see another familiar face; a girl who commutes in the opposite direction at approximately the same time as me every day (depending on where our paths cross along 125th, I can figure out how late I am for work).

The death of Micheal Jackson has brought even more intrigue to this area around the Apollo in the form of well-wishers, mourners, and opportunists. And this morning, as I passed the makeshift memorial and the vendors hawking MJ memorabilia and blasting his tracks from their jam boxes, I caught a glimpse of a new sight that was so good I felt I needed to share it with you all: Heading toward me by the corner of 125th and Frederick Douglass was an older women walking with a cane. She had a big belly, but was definitely too old to be pregnant, yet on her t-shirt she scrawled in blue marker: “Micheal’s Baby in my Belly”. I’m assuming she was referring to the recently departed King of Pop, making this possibly one of the most bizarre tributes to the man, and certainly one of the most disturbing. It was just further proof that Harlem is one of the best places to be for a fascinating morning stroll.

Looking for Friends

2009-07-08T12:07:00.012-04:00

Jennifer Aniston saw me standing on Greenwich Street at Kim's cleaners picking up my boss' laundry. She seemed interested in the coffee I was drinking and the UPS lady I was chatting with. I think she wanted to join us, away from the paparazzi and her look-a-like companion. I could tell we had a connection - both of us are New Yorkers just trying to meet people. Too bad she was sucked up into a big black SUV before we could chat.

- Claire

Strangest NYC Job of the Week

2009-07-08T12:07:00.010-04:00

$300 for Your Before (Geek) to After (Stud) Photos

Are you a party animal? Do you have pictures of you with lots of hot women? Can you take a really geeky photo of yourself to show a before picture? If you can, we can compensate you $300 for a set of your photos. We are a need "Before" and "After" photos for a Fashion/ Style for Men instructional website. Similar to VH-1's Pick Up Artist or Beauty & The Geek type of show of what not to do or wear.

Please send multiple shots of you as Before as the Geek, after as the life of the party with hot women around you, etc. These photos must be of you and you will need to sign a model release with proof of ID in order for us to be able to use them.

Click here for the original link if you're interested.

The Fourth of July

2009-07-05T18:23:00.008-04:00

The Loser's Guide would like to wish everyone a happy Independence Day weekend! Like many New Yorkers, we celebrated by watching the fireworks. NYC doesn't mess around - it was the biggest fireworks display in the country, with 22 tons of pyrotechnics exploding over the Hudson. And for the first time since September 11th, the fireworks returned to the West Side of Manhattan. (Yes, that means New Jersey got to mooch off our show). The West Side Highway was closed off to car traffic and hundreds of thousands of people flooded the road for dozens of blocks.

We were just north of 72nd street when the show started. For the first ten minutes, the fireworks display was unreasonably far downtown and near impossible to see clearly. The crowd's American spirit was quickly replaced by the New York spirit of impatience and aggravation. A few people in the crowd started to walk away; others were grumbling over the city's horrible planning. Then, a wave of fireworks exploded their way farther uptown, reaching the 50's. The crowd was pacified. For the next half an hour, New Yorkers cast aside their apathetic spirit and allowed themselves a few Oooo's and Aaaah's.

Missed Connections

2009-07-02T19:45:00.005-04:00

Our senior love guru, Varun, looks for romance underground. Here is his report:

I pose this question to the masses: Is there a way to approach a girl on the subway without simultaneously looking like a really big creep?

The subway, like nearly all of New York City's public venues, is ironically and unfortunately a zone of minimal social interaction. For some reason, all conversation, eye contact, and (god forbid!) physical contact just aren’t kosher among strangers in the city. How then are we to make a connection, to form new relationships, or simply to meet new people?

The subway presents a classic example of this urban social hurdle. Picture this: You are on a downtown A train sitting across from a very pretty girl. You like the way she dresses and carries herself, and you wish you could get to know her better. Do you try to call out to her from across the aisle? No way. She could never hear you unless you shout, which would appear overly aggressive and end in disaster. Do you try to sit next to her (if there even is an open spot, which there never is)? No that would be coming on way too strong. Nobody switches seats unless somebody just puked in the seat next to you. Do you get up and stand in the spot in front of her? Clearly not, as that would align your crotch with her head and just be terribly awkward for all parties involved.

And even if you tried any of these moves, what would you then say? “Hey uhh…I like your skirt…”?? Or how about “Oh I see you’re reading that Obama book….did you know he’s our president now…?” On top of that, any conversation would be extremely time sensitive and frighteningly public, and when you reach the next stop, who knows how the seating arrangements will change! The stress alone could paralyze you!

Alas, I would contend that it is next to impossible to make a positive and lasting first impression on someone in the subway. But thankfully, I’m not alone in this struggle. Resourceful Craigslist users have adopted the legendary online forum to create a sort of lost and found for underground love. On the Missed Connections page, city dwellers can put up a post describing that special gal or guy that they totally would have approached had the situation been more amenable. The hope is that the object of their affection will rush to Craigslist and see their description, and a proper connection can be made. Better late than never.

Some of the entries are very creepy, but here is one of the more amusing posts from Missed Connections:

I'M SHY BUT U SHOULD READ THIS. PLEASE I'M SERIOUS. - w4m - 27 (MY PARENT'S PLACE)

It's so funny. I keep thinking about you and your sterile jars. You had a baker's dozen of them. Each one contained a small rodent like creature with deep set eyes and ears of silk. As the subway doors opened you turned a cartwheel. It wasn't your stop, but it was mine. I got off the train thinking I should have totally said something.

Location: MY PARENT'S PLACE

Obama Endorses..

2009-07-02T19:43:00.022-04:00

Deli Meats. Unlike Obama's previous endorsement of winter clothing (we've only seen him strip down, never add layers), this endorsement actually makes sense to us. Think about it: the man has already made two well-publicized trips to burger places. He clearly likes a good piece of meat between bread, so why not the Obama Deli? However, this deli is located in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn, so it may be a while yet before the President makes the trek to sample their food. If you see a place, send it to us at losersguidenyc@gmail.com

For Anyone Who Thinks Washington Heights Is Far North

2009-07-02T19:43:00.021-04:00

New York City is an exciting place to live but we all have dreams of going on an adventure once in a while (and we don't just mean going to China Town). That's why we are excited by the newly created blog, The Last Frontier Girls, which features several friends of the Loser's Guide on their road trip to the northernmost stop on the American highway: Homer, Alaska. On the way, they drive through small towns in Canada and Alaska, like Chicken (population of 8), panning for gold, gambling in the early afternoon, watching midnight baseball games in broad daylight and other general merriment that can only be found in the Great North. Here is an excerpt from their last day in Canada before crossing back into the United States via the more low-key Alaskan border. For more on their exciting trip, check out their blog: thelastfrontiergirls.blogspot.com

We got off to a bit of a later start the morning after our gambling/golfing/salooning adventure as can probably be expected. We had planned to cross the border early, putting the chapter of strange Yukon towns and cute Canadian accents behind us; however, we decided to take one last ferry ride over the river to say our final good-byes (ok really just to get food). Lucky for us it turned out to be First Nation Day and we soaked up some sun while enjoying free fried dough and watching little kids trying to jig. A note here, it became obvious that my unique style of dance can now be categorized as children trying to jig. Pressley, one of the young jiggers, seemed to be too preoccupied with his cookie to jig, clearly he was our favorite.

During this time I found $2.50 Canadian money and reasoned (quite logically I think) that the only thing to do with it was to head back to the casino. We waited until 2 p.m. when the casino opened and were the first ones there along with the serious gamblers. We deposited the quarters into what was once thought of by us as a free money machine and our quarters were lost in the endless abyss, reunited with the quarters we had deposited the previous night in what I can only imagine as some giant quarter orgy.

Anyway, soon enough we were off along the dirt road aptly named Top of the World Highway. Because of the winding dirt roads it took far longer than usual to cross the short distance, but at last we approached the flapping American flag. The border consisted of a single dirt road passing a small wooden cabin and a single customs officer. We were home, or at least somewhere where we could no longer respond to the question where are you from with, “The States.”

Read the rest of this post here.

NYC Pride

2009-07-02T19:42:00.038-04:00

There's nothing New Yorkers love more than protests and parades. It's an excuse to "rub up against strangers," as Regina Spektor puts it. And few are more lively than the annual Gay Pride Parade. Held last weekend, this year's parade also commemorated the 40th anniversary of the famous Stonewall Riots, which took place in the West Village. New Yorkers proudly threw off their work attire and marched in their full glory, exposing their well-toned abs (courtesy of expensive NYC gyms) and elaborate tattoos that they may or may not have gotten moments before at a seedy village parlor. The Loser's Guide was there to document all the festivities.

The Stonewall Inn Float

Chuck Schumer and his tiny entourage
brave the crowds and the heat

Crowds gather on Fifth Ave

In front of the Stonewall Inn

photographs by Claire

Random Advice from An (Employed) Playwright

2009-07-02T19:42:00.025-04:00

The Losers Guide has decided to break with its long tradition of putting up original advice for New Yorkers in the hopes of bringing you a particularly insightful quote. The following is an excerpt from this year's College of Mount St. Vincent commencement speech given by John Patrick Shanley, the playwright who penned Doubt. We hope you enjoy it as much as we do.

"Not to bring up something upsetting, but when you leave here today, you may go through a period of unemployment. My suggestion is this: Enjoy the unemployment. Have a second cup of coffee. Go to the park. Read Walt Whitman. Walt Whitman loved being unemployed. I don't believe he ever did a day's work in his life. As you may know, he was a poet. If a lot of time goes by and you continue to be unemployed, you may want to consider announcing to all appropriate parties that you have become a poet."

First the Bad News, Then the Good

2009-07-02T19:42:00.021-04:00

The poor economy is dragging housing markets down across the country. Even the once impenetrable Manhattan real estate market is getting clobbered. Anyone looking to sell their place should try their damnedest to wait it out.

That's the bad news.

The good news is that if you've been waiting for the right moment to pounce on Manhattan real estate, now is the time. It's a buyers market. The average price of apartments has fallen between 13-19 percent from last year, according to the Associated Press. The price of luxury apartments dropped even more, with some losing up to a quarter of their value. Yes, it still costs an arm and a leg to buy a place here, but before it cost more limbs than any non-mutant person has.

In fact, just last month there was an auction of foreclosed homes in Manhattan, a very rare phenomenon.

However, if you're just interested in renting a place in Manhattan, there's some good news for you, too. In an effort to attract buyers, many landlords are offering free amenities (like microwaves), waving the first month's rent and even covering the broker's fee. Also, there's room to take advantage of this climate even if you're just looking to renew your lease. This article in the Wall Street Journal shows you how to craft a letter to your landlord to reduce your rent.

Strangest NYC Job of the Week

2009-07-02T19:40:00.006-04:00

Ex N. Idaho Drug Kingpin Needs Writer

Writer Wanted For Ex North Idaho Drug Kingpin: Looking for someone to write life story, unique story, unique Individual. Story consists of dealings with Colombians, Cubans, Mexican Federallies, 16 years in prison hanging out with mafia members from the Phildelphia Scarfo gang, Charlie Iannache, Anthony Pungitore, Gene Gotti-brother of John Gotti of the New York Mafia, being successful jail house lawyer. Story begins with the consequences for a boy with a gifted IQ who deals with uniagnosed ADHD and the path he takes in life through taking over the underbelly of the drug world,prison,self inflicted extrodinary rehabilitation efforts to his succesfull entrance back into society. This isnt some run of the mill drug dealer story! I SHOULD BE DEAD A HUNDRED TIMES OVER. GOD HAD HIS HAND ON MY SHOULDER TO GET THROUGH IT. ps: All Statue of Limitations are finished and all prison time completed. The story just needs to be told by a gifted writer. TO SEE 6 PAGE SYNOPSIS GO TO: http://bobbyconvict.blogspot.com

If interested, please submit writing proposal/compensation plans. I would prefer to give the writer a portion of proceeds, but would pay the right writer to do the story. Follow up to the book would be self help videos/books for children-parents-educators-inmates to not go down the path I took, or to change an inmates life through education. please email me at: write4me87@yahoo.com

For the original link, go here.

The King of New York

2009-06-26T11:57:00.025-04:00

Yesterday, Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, passed away and left in his wake a world of grieving fans and followers. While the details of his death and the analysis of the influence of his life's work on American music is best left to other publications, the Losers Guide does have some insight into Michael Jackson’s impact on New York City.

All night long, large crowds gathered in Times Square and along 125th street in Harlem to celebrate the man who had become one of the most celebrated pop sensations of all time. We joined the fans along 125th street who swelled around car stereos blasting hits from Off the Wall and Thriller and dancing in the streets together. Earlier in the day, the Reverend Al Sharpton gave a brief but impassioned eulogy of the man outside the famed Apollo Theater, expressing the hope that now Jackson "gets the respect he was due." An impromptu shrine was then set up in his honor outside the Apollo, and news cameras rolled for hours to capture the emotion of the night. The Losers Guide was there to catch some of these moments in picture and video form:

Above: A crowd gathers around a Lamborghini and rocks out to old Jackson tunes

Below: An impromptu shrine is set up for fans

Above: Many cars on 125th street either blasted old Jackson songs from their speakers or wrote short memorials on their windshields

Below: A girl dresses up like Michael Jackson (left); And yes, someone made a t-shirt already (right)

Say what you will about his personal troubles, but there’s no doubt in our minds that Michael Jackson was among the greatest pure showmen and performers that we are likely to see in our lifetimes. This is clear in this clip that we found of Jackson performing “Billy Jean” in New York in 2001.

And finally, here's a short VIDEO of people chanting in tribute to MJ.

Picking the Perfect Seat in a NYC Movie Theatre

2009-06-24T14:03:00.011-04:00

We forced our Senior Cheapskate Correspondent, Seth, to see "Whatever Works" in theaters this weekend. We hoped that this movie, which marks Woody Allen's return to filming in New York City, might inspire Seth to write a kick ass review. Instead he wrote this blog:

I went to see Whatever Works this weekend in the Upper East Side and was overwhelmed by the chaos of the NYC movie theater. Old Jews and Jewesses were cackling with every Woody Allen punchline while teens fornicated in the front rows. Meanwhile a solitary old woman spent the first fifteen minutes of the film staring at me as though I'd hurled her cat out a window. With all this in mind, here are a few rules I've found useful for picking the best seat in a NYC movie theater. Because in this city, a cell phone ringing in the middle of a movie is really the least of your problems. NYC is filled with crazy characters, but when you have to pay 12 bucks for a ticket, the last thing you want is for them to be the show.

Rule #1: Avoid people sitting alone. Yes, we all like to go to the movies solo once in a while. But more often than not, the people who you do see all by themselves at the theater are among the craziest.

Rule #2: Don't sit near anyone wearing bags instead of clothing. Just don't.

Rule #3: Stay away from young lovers (too many public displays of affection) and old couples (too many public displays of aggravation). Instead, find a nice middle-aged couple who have grown comfortable with the fact that they have nothing left to say to each other.

Rule #4: Keep away from people eating hot dogs (messy) or holding an enormous drink (definite mid-movie bathroom run).

Rule #5: Sit on the aisle or else sit dead center. The former cuts your chances of having a crazy person next to you in half. But it also means you'll have to get up to let people in and out of your row much more often. The latter avoids this problem and positions you well for watching the film. But then you've got to deal with those extra crazies. Your choice.

Two final points to remember: Always arrive early enough to sample your seat. It may seem fine at first, but if the person next to you starts weeping loudly during the first preview, be ready to switch. And second, remember that we all have different degrees of tolerance. Some people may prefer to sit next to a crazy person if it spares you from sitting in the front row. Personally, I'd take the neck pain and eye strain, but that's just me.

First the Bad News, Then the Good

2009-06-24T14:00:00.015-04:00

Earlier this week, the Department of Labor revealed that NYC's unemployment rate has reached a staggering 9 percent. In Real People Numbers (RPN), this means there are now 361,000 people in the city without jobs.

That's the bad news.

Some of you (but hopefully not too many) may be included in that large number. We at the Loser's Guide sympathize. But there is some good news for you: at least for the near future, you are no longer confined to the 9-5 life. Now is your chance to take that vacation you've been putting off, to spend more time with family and, yes, even to take chances. In fact, according to one new report, 50 percent of the companies on this years Forbes 500 list were started during tough economic climates like the one we're in now.

Need more good news? Just visit the website CardsOfChange.com. It compiles business cards (like the one on the right) from recently laid off Americans and uses these cards as a template to illustrate how their lives have changed for the better. What are you waiting for? Make the most of your unemployment.

Losing Our Virginity

2009-06-23T17:56:00.025-04:00

Our Retro Correspondent, Seth, reports on the current state of the New York City record store.

It's been a little more than a week since the last Virgin Megastore closed down in Manhattan. In the final weeks, the store had unprecedented discounts on vinyl, CDs and movies. And suddenly, all the New Yorkers who had stopped going to Virgin because of high prices were back roaming the isles. While I was there, several customers kept glancing at their iPods, trying to figure out which of the downloaded bands on there were worth buying on hard-copy. Others hovered around the vinyl section, wondering whether now was the time to start a collection.

New York City is meant to be the promised land for great record stores, a place where you can find obscure oddities and hidden gems. No other city, perhaps with the exception of San Francisco, offers a comparable selection. And yet, in recent years, the big stores have shut their doors one by one. For anyone who has lived in Manhattan for more than a couple years, the last days of Virgin Records felt eerily familiar. It was just a few years ago when the entire Tower Records chain shut down.

We have now reached a point where no chain store, it seems, can exist on selling CD's and DVD's alone. Instead, the ones that continue to be successful are stores like J&R and Best Buy, which sells lots of electronics, and Wal Mart, which sells lots of everything else. Yet, this makes New York City all the more valuable thanks to its large number of small independent record stores. Whether you're a longtime collector looking for new places to find that rare record, or a new buyer who just purchased your first CD in the dying days of Virgin, here is the list of five of our favorite stores left in NYC:

1) Bleecker Street Records - This Greenwich Village shop is a staple for record collectors. It offers used and new CDs upstairs and an excellent collection of classic vinyl and posters downstairs. The used CD's can run for as little as $4, but for the most part, don't come here looking for cheap buys. This is where you go when you have to own a record and you can't find it anywhere else.

2) Sound Fix - If you're looking for new releases from Indie bands like Grizzly Bear and Bon Iver on vinyl or CD, this is the place to go. On top of a nice selection of music, this store is connected to a sweet bar in the back. Buy a record, grab a Guinness and stay for any one of the free performances they host.

3) Turntable Lab - This East Village store ranks near the top of most lists of the best record stores in America. It offers a great selection of DJ equipment and Hip Hop music. But the store is much more diverse than that. From a recent review of the store: "[H]ere you'll find everything like techno, house, dubstep, roots + dub, nujazz, new disco, electro rock, rave, new wave, Miami bass + electro, Baltimore electronic, Ghettotech bass, break beats, cosmic, Italian disco, dance, and lots of very underground hip-hop." How can you beat that?

4) Generation Records - This store bills itself as the best destination for "obscure, outrageous or just plain weird" records, and they certainly are not far off. It is only a few blocks away from Bleecker Street Records. So, after you've satisfied your craving for old folk music there, head over to this shop for all your punk and heavy metal needs.

5) Other Music - It's a little lonelier now that the Tower Records in Greenwich Village has closed. It used to be possible to search through the racks at Tower for all your mainstream needs and then stroll down the block to Other Music to find records from all those bands that were too cool for Tower. Still, this is the place to go to find out about all the weird bands you never hear about anywhere else. Just try not to be too embarrassed if the only band you recognize there is Radiohead.

Did we miss one of your favorites? Leave us a comment here or e-mail us your responses at losersguidenyc@gmail.com

Strangest NYC Job of the Week

2009-06-23T17:41:00.014-04:00

Calling Modern Nomads

Skyelab is hosting two discussion groups in NYC for bag maker, Timbuk2. The groups will be WITH and ABOUT the idea of the "Modern Nomad" and the bags they carry.

What is a Modern Nomad?
Someone who is in constant motion; loves to explore; considers themselves creative, optimistic and adventurous. Someone who cares about the environment and does something about it. Someone who is good at juggling many things, embraces change, and knows it when they're in the flow. Someone who is an individual but has no problem being part of a "tribe" of like-minded people. Someone who doesn't believe in "settling down" even if they've settled down. Someone who believes in having open eyes and being open-minded, and truly believes life is about the journey, not the destination.

We need 6–8 people to attend each of the following groups on WEDNESDAY, JUNE 24

Group 1: (4–6pm) College students who fit the Modern Nomad lifestyle (owning a Timbuk2 bag is a plus, but not necessary)

Group 2: (6:30–8:30pm) Any adult 21–45 who currently owns a Timbuk2 bag AND identifies with the description of the Modern Nomad

You will receive a new Timbuk2 bag for your participation. Groups will be videotaped for research purposes.

If you are interested, please fill out the application below and SEND A RECENT PHOTO. We will call to screen qualifiers.

WHAT BRAND OF BAG IS CURRENTLY YOUR GO-TO?:
WHAT MAKES YOU A MODERN NOMAD?:
DESCRIBE YOUR LIFESTYLE IN THREE WORDS:

To get more information about this job, go here.

Don't Make the Train Conductor Angry

2009-06-23T17:26:00.013-04:00

Our expert at uncovering awkward situations, Varun, finds out what happens when a passenger offends the train conductor.

After getting out of a conference downtown, my co-worker and I hopped on the uptown R train at Prince Street. Usually, this is a very routine experience: the train operator gets on the PA and tells folks what the next stop is and to "stand clear of the closing doors", the doors close (and open and close and open and eventually close), and the train slides out of the station. But today was different. Today, instead of using his time on the PA to announce destinations or tell us about train safety, the train operator felt compelled to make a personal message to one of the passengers on board. After the doors closed, he patched through and said, with great emotion:

"Excuse me Sir: an umbrella is meant to protect you from the rain. You DON'T use it to wave in the face of the train operator! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU??!!"

An awkward silence filled the train, as if every one of us were being scolded. As we started off toward 8th street, I frantically scanned the faces around me for pangs of guilt and shame, hoping to identify the nefarious straphanger. But alas, he was either in another car, or so cold-hearted that he could not be bothered, even by such a public underground tongue lashing.

The Unhappy Couple

2009-06-23T17:16:00.010-04:00

Jay Z and Beyonce saw me in TriBeCa the other day. It was awkward. I was outside my boss's apartment on Hudson St., which just so happens to be next door to J and B's New York home. A shiny, black Escalade pulled right up beside me. Being the nosey pedestrian that I am, I took a peek inside the open window and the royal couple of Hip Hop looked back at me. I must have made my killer paparazzi face because they instantly rolled up the window and went around the corner. I've always flirted with the idea of being a part time paparazzo, but I didn't think I had it in me. However, I think this experience proves I do have what it takes to instill fear in the hearts of celebrities throughout New York City.

- Claire

Courtesy is Contagious, and Enforceable

2009-06-18T18:34:00.003-04:00

If you've been on the subway in the last month, you've probably noticed an added announcement from the conductor asking you to give up your seat for the elderly and for pregnant women. Hoping to appeal to passengers' better natures, the MTA adopted the slogan, "Courtesy is Contagious." Now, however, the transit authority is launching a campaign to remind passengers that there are legal retributions in addition to karmic retributions for not being courteous. From the article:

"Those who refuse could be fined $25 to $50 -- or even face up to 10 days in jail.

Signs are going up this week in thousands of subway cars and buses. The law has long been on the books; transit officials are now trying to get people to obey it."

So remember, be a good person. Or else the MTA will get you.

Oops, Just Missed It!

2009-06-17T23:07:00.008-04:00

New York City is a tough place to be punctual. Either the subways are running late or some disenfranchised group of people is holding a rally, somewhere, blocking traffic. Or else your bike got a flat and you couldn't fit the pump into the wicker basket in the front, what with all the records and your spare fedora already in it. That's why we really don't appreciate the hours of the Pearl River Mart down in SoHo. 7:20, really? Good luck.

- Seth

Finally, A Way to Quantify Your Loserness

2009-06-17T22:56:00.009-04:00

If you haven't checked out Graphjam.com then you are missing out (and probably spending too much time at work actually working). Graphjam creates pie charts, ven diagrams and good old graphs for topics as diverse as wake up time vs. occupation to the chances of a geek trying to hit on a girl over the course of their lives. There is even a graph to illustrate what happens in Vegas. Answer: only a sliver stays in Vegas; 99% ends up on the Internet.

The model below strikes a particular chord for the Loser's Guide. We know what section we belong in (and we hope you do, too)!

Random Advice from A Harlem Sports Fan

2009-06-17T22:49:00.002-04:00

If you're looking for a sports bar to watch a baseball game near your apartment in Harlem, don't even bother. Just cough up the two bucks and take the subway downtown.

Small Town, USA

2009-06-10T15:16:00.011-04:00

This weekend, the boys and I took a trip north to go see what we could see. If you live in the city, you know that sometimes you need to just get out of it. The constant hustle and bustle, crowded streets, sirens and grime can really get to you after a while. A weekend get-away can be the perfect way to recharge, unwind, and enjoy some greenery and quiet for a change.

While our trip ended in bustling Montreal, we had the pleasure of visiting some quaint little towns on the way up. On Friday night, we stopped for dinner in Ravena, New York (population 3,369). We were wary at first, thinking that maybe we had entered into one of those sleepy ghost towns you see in horror flicks. The roads were empty, the lights were out, and the shadowy beat up buildings were giving me the willies. But pretty soon we found that Ravena did in fact host the basic essentials that have become the backbone of any American town: a swinging (if creepy) bar called the “Halfway House”, a generic Chinese take-out shop and a good old-fashioned diner with a pleasant waitress and an endless pot of coffee.

Continuing on, our next stop would be Elizabethtown, New York (population 1,315) where we stayed at a family owned log cabin on a pond. Elizabethtown (note: NO relation to the Orlando Bloom movie of the same name!) has been a favorite of ours for years. It is a town so small that it lacks any incentive to be creative with naming, for it has, at most, only one of everything. The kids learn at a high school called ‘High School’. For field trips, they head over to ‘Museum’. If they have to do some research, they make their way to ‘Library’, and so on. While the town has grown since we first visited, it still maintains that simple charm. There’s still only one traffic light, next to the only gas station, across from the only church, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Our last small town stop before Canada was not a town at all, but a city. However, Vergennes, Vermont (population 2,700) is proud of the fact that they are “The Smallest City in Vermont”. Vergennes is home to windy country roads swinging around lush green pastures and cow farms. On one main street are all the city’s shopping attractions: The Black Sheep Bistro, the Hungry Bear restaurant (where we had lunch, of course), the Busy Bead jewelry store (where the owner will provide you with pretty earrings AND gripping stories of close encounters with bears in Wyoming), and the Daily Chocolate Shoppe. One store that was missing, however was a great grocery shop called the Fat Hen, which we had visited once before. To our dismay, we found out that the owner of this local produce and grocery store had maintained the place for 5 years, and had planned to break even and begin to turn a profit until the economic recession hit, setting her years back financially. Unable to maintain the investment in these economic conditions, she was forced to fold her business, to the disappointment of her tiny city, and its occasional visitors.

As we rumbled past the border into Canadaland, we did so with a newfound appreciation for our own country. America, she’s a beautiful old place, big towns and small towns alike.

PS: the population of New York City is just over 8.2 million people.

- Varun

Tough Crowd

2009-06-10T14:22:00.009-04:00

Colin Quinn saw me sitting on the uptown A train. It was mid-afternoon but the train was still packed. The comedian held onto the bars and looked around, probably wondering if anyone in this subway car remembered when he hosted "Tough Crowd" on Comedy Central. Was his b-list fame enough to get someone out of their seat? He stood for two stops and jumped out at 42nd Street.

- Seth

Strangest NYC Job of the Week

2009-06-10T13:25:00.010-04:00

$100 Walk/Drive Manhattan’s South Tip & Take Notes

Highly detail-oriented person sought for short-term outdoor project in Manhattan. Offering $100 for accurate notations about street signs located south of Liberty Street/ Maiden Lane.
Set your own hours and pace. Notation form will be provided. Completed notes needed by Wednesday, June 17. Project may be extended upon successful, fully accurate completion.

Value of full project approx $500.

If you're interested, here's the link.

The Best Free Bar Food in NYC

2009-06-10T13:24:00.033-04:00

The "Frugal Traveler", the New York Times' cost-conscious roving reporter, touched this week upon a topic that is near and dear to the writers of this venerable publication: Free food. While he is usually hilariously out of touch, the Frugal Traveler wrote a nice article featuring some great city watering holes known for their delicious give-aways. Included on his list are two Loser's Guide favorites: the Crocodile Lounge (Manhattan) and the Alligator Lounge (Brooklyn), where you get a free pizza with every drink. He also created a useful map of all these places through Google that will be updated regularly to help you bar hop with ease.

What Does Your Commute Say About You?

2009-06-10T13:24:00.028-04:00

Our employed correspondent, Becca, writes about the art of making the most of your commute to work. For those of you who are unemployed, read it anyway. It's not like you have anything better to do.

Listen, as New Yorkers we all know that our choice of how we get around this island says a lot about us. If you’re on a bike on your morning work commute, you’re living a different life than that of a consistent cabber or a 30-minute walker. The great appeal to New York is the ability to choose instant change—from the jostle of Times Square to a wander in the sun-streaked West Village. Yet New Yorkers only feel at home where they live because of their habits. You’ve got your fruit stand guy, your coffee spot and the ever-puzzling ACE bar (skee-ball’s aight, but seriously, why do I keep going there?) As creatures of habit, New Yorkers find a way to get around and stick to it, consistently committing the same amount of time and money to our SUV-free vagabondage. But could that $81 all you can eat wait for the L be put towards getting sloshed with your cutie? Consider all of your options.

Bikes rank as pretty sweet among the vintage wearing crowd. They may even invite you to their McCarren Park kickball games if your cruiser has any sort of wicker basket. Though that cheeky bastard is hard to keep around in this town, adding a bike in the morning is the cheapest, best exercise you can get without joining a costly gym. And if you bike to work, you bypass traffic and pits-to-the-face on the summer subway pigpen. There’s a great cyclist subculture in New York that’s easy to get into by visiting one of the hundreds of specialty shops around town. Check out these free training programs committed to “mak[ing] sure that riders have the best experience possible.”

You may have tried this “walking” business despite its affiliation with the European set, but a daily walking commitment has to be approached differently in New York. As a morning commute, it has great potential—walking wakes you up gently (unlike getting walloped by subway stench) and is a more efficient way to do breakfast in a rush (if your food is mobile, you will actually get to eat every day). Walking New York knocks you around with the great gallery of its characters, which is swell, except on a bleary-eyed morning commute. Luckily, little preparation is needed to keep the eccentric cast at bay. Headphones are to walking in New York what Chipotle is to the burrito: overdo it and you’ve got an unnecessary heap to deal with, but balance your needs and you get satisfying variety that may double as art. Also, under the pretense of noise-cancellation, ignore street jerks like those Greenpeace lurkers. (‘Do I want to stop violence related to Amazon deforestation? No. I mean yes, but not if we have to stand near that stinky street meat cart.’)

But I digress. A choice pair of headphones is the way to have complete control regarding the tone and pace of your morning. They’re a polite way to filter your interactions, and with the right morning mix, you’re golden (I recommend “Close to Me,” The Cure or Get Up Kids). WeSC headphones are fun, Bose are classic, while Grado series are droolworthy. Headphone guide forthcoming.

If you decide walking is for plebes and commoners unlike yourself, then start your day on a unicycle, like David Stone. As club founder and dictator for life of the New York Unicycle Club (NYUC), Mr. Stone “used to commute A LOT—27 miles a day” by uni. He notes, “now I mostly just ride for fun,” and we can only assume the non-fun time on his uni is spent jousting, or skimming tightropes between skyscrapers. For those interested, NYUC offers assistance to New Yorkers wanting lessons, just attend a meeting and “bring your unicycle or try one of ours.” Mitch Butler, NYUC web-and-wheelie-master, insists “Commuting on uni is great, and it's easier to get a uni onto a subway or bus than a bicycle.” He adds, “it's a great workout for your abs to commute on uni.” Once you get the hang of it, unicycling to work will earn you bonafide zany New Yorker points. If nothing else, it’s an excuse to wear a top hat.

Remember what it was like to burst through the doors at recess and feel everything in sight was your playground, ready for climbing and exploring? That’s what New York is like for skaters. Skateboarding is cheap, incredibly fun, and often quicker than commuting by bike, which you’ll have to lock down with the jaws of life whenever you go inside. If someone tries to steal your front wheel, you get the satisfaction of swinging on ‘em, since your deck will be tucked under your arm. To commute by skateboard, start with a cruiser deck with big, sticky wheels or get a longboard for stability. Make sure not to overdo it or you’ll end up with a pirate ship-long plank. There are thousands of skate shops in the city and putting together a custom deck is playtime for these guys. Ask them to tighten up your trucks so that a little road texture won’t buck you off your board, and enjoy cruising your commute.

The Siren Song of the Subway

2009-06-10T13:19:00.032-04:00

Our expert White Boy, Seth, spent more than two decades preparing for his first adventure riding alone on the subway up to Harlem. Here is the story of what happened when he finally did it:

I was in a hurry. Our broker had convinced the landlord to give us the keys to our new apartment a few days early so I could get a head start moving in. The only catch: I had to get there by 3 pm. It was 2 o'clock when the broker called me. So I rushed out of work early and jumped on the uptown 2 train to Harlem. I'd visited the apartment once before, but I'd never gone up alone. The adventure started the moment I stepped on the train at 72nd street.

A homeless black man in an over sized coat and torn khakis walked behind me onto the train carrying a blue electric bass and a child-sized wooden stool. He sat down by the doors and put the bass on his lap. "I'm gona play some music for y'all today on your journey. I hope that's alright," he said. A few of the passengers glanced passingly at him and then returned their eyes to the floor.

One midly attractive woman sitting a few feet away caught the bassist's eye. "This first song is for the lady in red," he hollered. She looked mortified that he was singling her out. All anyone in NYC wants is to go unnoticed on the subway. So she tried to hide her face behind her friend. "Oh lady in the red dress, you look so fine. So fine in that red, red dress you got on," he crooned over a slow bass groove. A few passengers laughed while the lady's face turned red, too.

The train stopped at 96th street and I noticed for the first time what my friends and I have since labeled the 1-2 switch. The few white people riding the express train uptown above Columbus Circle jump out at 96th street and transfer to the 1 train to Columbia University. Meanwhile, more black people pour in for the ride up to Harlem and the Bronx on the 2 (or 3) express train.

I looked around and realized I was the only white person on our subway car. The moment I realized this, the bassist singled me out, as though he'd been waiting. "This next song goes out to the White Boy," he hollered again. Everyone in the car turned my way and I tried hard to maintain my cool. "Play that funky music white boy," he sang and the entire train erupted in laughter. He didn't appear to know all the words so instead he just repeated that damaging chorus over and over. Finally, even he couldn't stop himself from laughing.

"Okay, okay," he said. "Now, if anyone can guess who wrote this next song, I will go over there and kiss that White Boy on the lips." My jaw nearly dropped. I heard some muttering behind me and one guy whispered, "Oh shit," to his friend. "The hell you will," I shouted back at him. The bassist ignored me, rubbed his hands together and then started to play a riff without singing.

I knew the song immediately and so did everyone else. One guy about my age leaned in and whispered, "It's Stevie. You are fucked, son." The bassist was playing "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder. After repeating that famous riff a few times, he stopped and asked the crowd, "Okay, anybody want to tell me who wrote that song?" A few people laughed but no one answered. "Come on, I know y'all know it." Still, no one answered, so he resumed playing the song again.

We passed 116th st. and I moved towards the doors of the train. My stop was next and I was eager to leave this scene behind. Finally, an older woman standing on the opposite end of the train shouted, "It's Stevie's song!" The bassist threw down his instrument and leaped to his feet, shouting, "Where's that White Boy? Where is he?" He saw me by the doors and hurried my way, but just then the train stopped at the station and I escaped unkissed.

Random Advice From A Public Urinator

2009-06-10T13:06:00.013-04:00

Yes, we know it's gross, but at some point every guy (and some girls) end up pissing outside in desperation. This is especially true in the city where you spend so much time walking at night between bars. The problem is that in NYC you're usually exposed to other pedestrians and possible cops. So you want a place that's out of sight, but not so secluded that you end up with your pants down in a sketchy dark alley. The trick is to find a Hummer (it's the one thing they're good for) and go behind it. Best of all, you won't feel too guilty since those bastards are destroying the world anyway. One more thing: unless you're the drunk lunatic who lives down the block from me, don't even try pissing during the daytime. Just go to Starbucks.

Tough Choices

2009-06-10T13:04:00.016-04:00

So you finally fulfilled your New Year's resolution of going to the Jenny Craig in Union Square only to find that you're a little hungry when leaving the place. You turn left and see McDonalds; you turn right and see an overpriced yogurt shop. What do you do?

The Voyeur vs. The Peepster

2009-06-04T14:18:00.008-04:00

Last time, our expert subway crime spotter, Claire, better known by her superhero alias, The Voyeur, warned you against the vicious iPod Thieves that lurk in the subways. This time, she runs into her arch- nemesis, The Peepster.

After a lovely ride on the L train, I got out of the train and started walking up the stairs out of the Bedford subway station in Williamsburg. A man jumped in front of me on the stairs - he was short and shifty. His coat was draped over his arm in a funny way.

I looked ahead and saw a cute, tall redhead girl in front of him wearing a short summer dress. It took me a moment to realize he had his cell phone under his coat - I realized because I saw the phone's screen light up. Then I put it together and realized he was filming up her skirt!

Several scenarios for busting this guy ran through my head. 1) Call him out right then and there, embarassing him. 2) Report him to the cop standing by the turnstile 3) Ask him what he wanted to do with that tape. Sell it? Watch it for his own enjoyment? Make a documentary?

But before I could do any of these things, he vanished onto another staircase still recording under the same girl's skirt.

Two days later I am still enraged by the encounter. I have pledged to find this man and have learned the true meaning of the subway mantra, If you see something, say something. So look out small shifty Peepster man and all your small shifty Peepster man friends. I'm on the lookout for you and I will not stand by and let you peep in my city again!

We encourage the good semaritan segment of our demographic to report any tips to the Loser's Guide and to be on the lookout yourselves.

Strangest NYC Job of the Week

2009-06-01T16:48:00.004-04:00

Sign Maker/Installer
Digital Production/Sign Maker/Installer

Digital and/or sign making experience preferred, but willing to provide training in the sign industry for a hard-working and reliable individual with related qualifications.

Requirements include mechanical aptitude and problem solving abilities, basic verbal and written communications skills, basic math skills, experience in working with tools & equipment, and valid driver's license with a safe driving record. A can-do attitude and the ability to handle a variety of duties (measuring & cutting material, applying lettering & graphics, lifting, ordering inventory, communicating with customers, installations, etc.) are essential. This is a great full-time permanent position for a serious employee with a stable work history.

Please send us your letter and/or resume to either:
e-mail: signposition@yahoo.com
fax: (203) 353-9430

Overheard in New York City

2009-05-31T15:10:00.009-04:00

And now, a few short exchanges overheard on the streets thanks to our fabulous New York City eavesdroppers:

Man on street: Hey Baby!
Woman: Hay is for horses.

Boy on street: If it don't make dollars, it don't make cents.

Woman outside subway on phone: That's just the same shit with a different smell!

If you hear something bizarre on the street, send it to us at losersguidenyc@gmail.com

Summer in the Suburbs

2009-05-31T13:22:00.009-04:00

Hello to all you city dwellers! I'm here to bring you my little tidbits about Living in the Suburbs. Sure I'm only a mad dash on the train away, but life on Long Island is still much different than in the City. But hey, at least I'm still considered "New York", unlike everyone north of Westchester. I've seen my fair share of the City, though I've never lived there. Instead, I've experienced the lifestyle that Long Islanders are just too familiar with: a day trip to shop on the Avenues, a stroll in Little Italy for those delicious gelatos and, of course, being there when the tree lights up in Rockefeller Center. Though I've loved the time I've spent in the City, I just can't leave my Island permanently. I've become too accustomed to the cheap bars and the way of life of suburbia.

On the Island, you'll never go a weekend without a party. House parties are the very essence of the Island. Every time I've come into the City, I've had to wear something extraordinary with painful heels. On top of that, I always end up spending obscene amounts of money on taxis, subways, cover charges, and, oh yes, the actual alcohol. And all for what? To have fun with my friends? Here on the Island, I spend a total of $7 and wear my laziest outfit. We play beer pong or flip cup, roast marshmallows by the fire and make smores, have amenities such as Doritos, and there is always an abundance of alcohol that didn't cost us an arm and a leg.

Last weekend was Memorial Day and it was BBQ central on Long Island. Nicely lined up houses all had smoke streaming up from the backyard and the hearty smell of chicken, burgers, and hot dogs spread throughout the air. I spent my weekend BBQ-hopping and enjoyed my fun in the sun. Why wouldn't I ever live in the City? There are no backyards there! The BBQ's, the fires in the backyards, and the pools make summer worth living on the Island. Not only do we have that, we have the beaches! Sure it's no Venice Beach, but it'll do for us Islanders. Enjoy an airshow, watch fireworks glisten in the sky, walk the boardwalk - all that is accessible on the Island.

No matter what you say, you can't peel me away from my life on the Island. The City is glamor and glitz, but maybe I'm more old fashioned and enjoy the more basic amenities of life. The Island is the best place to be during the summer, and I wouldn't change it for a thing.

- Faiza

Random Advice From a Pissed Off Pedestrian

2009-05-31T13:21:00.005-04:00

When the traffic light turns red, and the white man says you can walk, but that one jerk Escalade or yellow cab decides that the rules don’t apply to him and tries to turn anyway, give that car a nice old slap on the backside. Not enough to leave a dent or a mark, but just enough to let it be known that he’s a total wanker and you’re not gona take it anymore! If the car then pulls over, and the driver looks bigger than you, try to run faster than him.

A Day at the NYC Unemployment Office

2009-05-31T13:19:00.020-04:00

Our lead investigative journalist, Seth, is so dedicated to his work that he actually became unemployed to pursue this article on the subterranean world of New York City's Unemployment Office. Here is his report:

It's very easy to overlook the Department of Labor's office in New York City all together. The office is located in Harlem on 125th street and sits directly above an OTB. The irony is blinding. Now, the desperately unemployed can collect their free government money and invest it wisely on the horse races, all without having to leave the block. It could be worse, I suppose. There could be a liquor store next door (instead, there's a McDonalds).

Like all recently laid off people, I am here today for a mandatory meeting. If you lose your job, and you've worked long enough (at least two financial quarters) and made enough money (sorry, that $6 an hour internship won't cut it), you can collect unemployment for up to 26 weeks. Usually, if you've been working at the same place for a while and with a pretty consistent salary, the government will end up giving you about half of your weekly salary, up to $405/week, which is the maximum amount anyone can collect. These numbers are all higher than they would have been last year thanks to the stimulus package.

Before I was laid off, I really had no notion of what unemployment would be like. The only image in my mind was of George Costanza on Seinfeld being perpetually out of work and frantically trying to make up businesses where he had interviewed. I started to think of what glorious business I would make up. (Maybe something like Canopy City, an organization that teaches city dwellers how to climb trees in central park?)

As it turns out, however, Seinfeld was very much pre-Internet. Today, there is very little human interaction required. You file your weekly unemployment claims online, search for jobs on Craigslist and other specialized sites and receive e-mails from your contact at the Department of Labor with potential jobs. This is a mixed bag, I think, because it is good to interact with real people and have a mandate to leave your cave.

In any case, you do have to show up for one mandatory meeting. You are told to approach the meeting like a real job interview - dress nice, show up on time and have a resume with you. When I get there, I am ushered into a large classroom filled with 50 of the most multi-ethnic, multi-generational people I've encountered in one space. For a moment, I feel nostalgic. We are sitting in crappy chairs with a fold-able arm to write on, just like in college. Then I remember I just graduated college a year ago and feel eager to get on with this orientation.

We fill out some forms to enter us into a Workforce system that will notify us of job opportunities. Every once in a while, I hear one of the instructors critiquing someone's form ("Sir, we don't use alpha; we need numbers." "Maam, we need your name and birthday and everything else, please.") I look around the room and see the many interpretations of "work attire." There's the denim lady (yes, both top and bottom are denim), the group of boys wearing hoodies and, of course, the woman in yoga pants.

After I learn about available programs that can remake me into a successful EMT or Bank Teller, I am called out of the room with a small group for our personal meetings. I wait outside in the hall and stare at the Yoga woman. She looks to be in her early 30's and has a rolled up blue yoga mat slung over her mint green cotton summer shirt. She makes pleasant small talk with the teenage mother-of-two next to her as though they're in line at Trader Joe's. Finally I am called in for an interview which lasts 45 seconds where I'm told there's nothing they can do for me. Then I'm allowed to leave, back to my cave.

On the way out, I pass the one person there wearing a full business suit, talking to a bearded man who looks like a lumberjack. "I want to say I have better things to do today than this," the suited man says, "but really, I don't." The lumberjack nods his head and says, "It still sucks though." To which the suited man says, "For sure."

Thank God for IMDB

2009-05-31T13:17:00.015-04:00

Alan Cumming saw me and my friends outside a park in the East Village the other night. I'm sure he knew from the searching look on our faces that we would have to go home and scour the Internet to figure out that he was in fact Alan Cumming. Until this was confirmed, we referred to him as Pee-Wee Herman, Nightcrawler and that guy from 'Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams.'

- Varun

47 Minutes of Color Coordinated City Interaction

2009-05-27T16:16:00.005-04:00

Our expert at meeting new people, Claire, describes how in less than an hour she learned the folklore of a mysterious place called Roosevelt Island, stripped in public and restored a hard-fought peace to the land.

Last week, a friend of mine sent me a link to a fun free New York weekend experience. The website was Improv Everywhere and the experience was called mp3Experiment6, whatever that means. All we had to do was download a free 47-minute long mp3 track, wear a certain color shirt (we chose blue) with a white shirt underneath and take the subway to Roosevelt Island. When we got there, we had to press play at 4:00. Free color-coordinated adventure on an island I'd never been to before? I'm there!

We took the F-train from Union Square and the closer we got to Roosevelt Island, the more people wearing colored shirts with white undershirts got on the train. When we finally got there, I knew I'd have to use the bathroom before this 47 minute long experience began. Unfortunately, it turns out that the only public bathroom on Roosevelt Island is a Starbucks with one stall. While we waited in the incredibly long line, curious people were taking our pictures. [I should also mention there was one main rule for the event: don't discuss the event with other people while on the island.] We managed to get it done just in time for the 4 o'clock start.

We decided that we didn't want to be right near the subway entrance, sandwiched between a Starbucks and a Duane Reade, so we headed over to a grassy knoll with a beautiful view of some Queens factories.

At 4, we pushed play and after a couple minutes of Island techno music, the "Omipotent Voice of Steve" welcomed us to the Experience. He told us we would be learning the magical history of Roosevelt Island but there were a few things we had to do first: deep breathing, touching our toes, giving thumbs up to people not participating in the experience and also shadowing said people on the island, square dancing, and taking 15 second naps.

After all that, we finally began the Journey to the southern tip of the Island. To help pass time, Steve told us the story of Peters and the Wolves, a tale of three friends named Peter who decided to play a game of baseball, they lost their ball, some wolves got it, they beat up the wolves with their bats, there was a sexy lady wolf who tried to woo them but it turned out she was a sheep and they ate her. We were told this tale took place on the island.

After a few more activities - Steve Says, freeze tag and a dance party - the real event began. We were instructed to seperate based on our shirt colors for a game of Bats vs. Hammers. According to the website, 1400 people were given inflatable bats and hammers (there were many more who were not armed simply because supplies ran out) and all were told to attack. We fought for a few minutes until Steve chimed in with a message of unity. He told us we should unite against the "common evil." In this case, that evil was The Wolf. He told us to look south and there was a big cloud of smoke out of which a big Man-Wolf emerged.

To show our new team unity, everyone took off their colored t-shirts and began one large White team. The Wolf ran through the crowd of thousands and everyone attacked him, either with their inflatable weapons or their t-shirts. Once the wolf was defeated, we celebrated in slow motion for a long time. It all ended with a final instruction from Steve to look up to the sky and say goodbye.

The real adventure was getting off the island. Fucking F-train.

Check out the Improv Everywhere website for some of their other city antics including the No Pants subway ride and the Cell Phone Symphony.

Tits and Tats Weather: Lamenting the End of Winter

2009-05-27T15:21:00.004-04:00

On this Memorial Day Weekend, our veteran fashion correspondent, Varun, asks us to remember all the beautiful, healthy sweaters that have been closeted as summer draws near.

So it’s finally getting nice in New York. After a long, cold, wet winter, the sun is starting to shine, and city-dwellers are beginning to emerge from their concrete caves. Jackets and scarves are being shed in favor of tank tops, flip flops, and shorts. Great news, right? Wrong!

If you’re like me, a person of modest physical attributes, then you’re probably just as bummed as I am to see “sweater weather” fade into the bright, sunny horizon. For guys like us, cold weather acted as the great equalizer. Everybody had to bundle up, so nobody’s pectoral muscles stood out from the pack. Winter was a golden time, where people are judged by the size of their personalities, not the size of their biceps.

It was also a time for sweater enthusiasts like me to shine. I’ll say it straight up: I love sweaters. All sweaters. I love the way they look, feel, smell, and the way they make hugs incredible. Part of this love stems from my father, who has saved every sweater he has owned since the seventies. His closet is my favorite part of our house. It’s like a magical time capsule.

The other major source of my love of sweaters is Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable of the Cosby Show. He’s something of a hero to me, in large part because of his uncanny ability to rock the craziest sweaters you’ve ever seen with a sense of cool and style that is unmatched in today’s popular culture. I’d like to see someone try to wear a pair of cargo shorts with even half that degree of gravitas.

So while you’re all out enjoying your precious sunshine at your beaches and parks, just know that summer can’t last forever. Soon enough Fall will be back, and our time will come again. Until then, farewell dear sweaters. I'll miss you more than you know.

Random Advice from A Brooklyn Bystander

2009-05-26T23:35:00.009-04:00

If you are walking down the middle of Bedford Avenue shouting out the Truth about Government, God and Aliens, and the homeless man sitting in front of the New York Muffin store on the corner turns to his imaginary friend to tell him how crazy you are, you have a problem.

My Quixotic Queens Quest

2009-05-26T12:44:00.018-04:00

Our Senior Mets Correspondent, John, writes about the beautiful game of baseball and his quest for something more. As a disclaimer, we should state firmly that the secondary characters mentioned in this piece may or may not be the editors of Loser's Guide. However, that in no way affected our judgment in publishing this Pulitzer worthy essay. Go Mets!

I don't think quixotic means what I think it means, but who could turn down the chance for an alliterative Q title?

Every lad remembers his very first quest. Ironically, mine was to read the Lord of the Rings cover to cover. It was a long trek, but inspired by Frodo's determination, I read the shit out of those books.

Recently I embarked on a new quest. I went to my first regular season game at the Mets newly completed home, CitiField, with Varun, Eric and Seth. Immediately after walking into the Jackie Robinson Rotunda, you could tell the stadium wouldn't be as dank and depressing as that loveable dump, Shea Stadum. It was a great game, complete with the first grand slam at CitiField (by Omir Santos, of all people), but that wasn't the reason it was memorable.

I had read a lot about one new food that fans had to try: sweet and sour chicken tenders. I like sweet things, sour things and chickeny things, so it seemed right up my alley. I told my friends i was going to go search for them and Seth volunteered to join me. I had to warn him that I didn't know where the place was, so it might take some searching, but he he was up for it, and we set out.

We were sitting in the right field section of the Caesars Level, so naturally we began by searcing the Caesars Club, which is an indoor area, complete with multiple food stands and a bar, where fans can go to watch the game if it begins to rain. We searched all the menus there and only found regular chicken tenders. Seth naively asked if I would settle for those, and I told him that I would settle for nothing less than sweet and sour chicken tenders, but that I would understand if he wanted to give up. To my surprise, he just said, "If I'm going to be walking this much, I need a beer."

We decided to climb up to the Promenade Level to see if our luck would change there. While we failed to locate the object of our quest, I did find that Mamas of Corona, a staple of Shea Stadium cuisine, had been carried over to CitiField (behind hime plate on the Promenade, among other places). Seth was also able to find a beer stand with no line. I asked multiple Mets employees where I could find sweet and sour chicke, but none of them had never heard of it!

By this point, we had doubled back to right field stands, and were close to our seats. I could tell that Seth's resolve was wavering now that he had his beer. He informed me that he was consiering giving up. I told him I understood, and that while Sam could never have left Frodo at the gats of Mordor, some people just weren't cut out for this kind of thing.

Now alone, I soldiered on to the Field Level. I had heard that much of the new food was in the Center Field area in that level. As I approached, I found the new and improved Home Run Apple (which hardly ever comes up now that the outfield fence looks more like it should be guarding the border in Texas). I walked past the Seafood restaurant, over the as yet unnamed bridge, and through an absolute mass of people.

When I approached the largest group of food stands yet, my spirits lifted. I found pizza, burgers, ribs, international beer, shakes and corn dogs. In the last hour, I had passed Carvel, Dunkin Donuts, Subway, El Verano Taqueria, Shake Shack, Blue Smoke, Daruma of Tokyo, Box Frites and more, but the sweet and sour chicken was no where to be found. I began to lose hope, and to worry that rather than Frodo, I was destined to play the role of Gollum - constantly searcing for the Precious, obsessed and dissatisfied.

Having walked the entire outfield area, I was now in left field. But just as I began to ponder giving up my quest, I spotted a food stand in the distance called The Hot Dog and Chicken Stand! I ran over to look at the menu. There was no sweet and sour chicken. But there was Sweet and Spicy Chicken! No wonder no one knew what the hell I was talking about.

I returned triumphant to my friends, and having exerted all that energy getting to know the ins and outs of CitiField, I was ready for a feast. How were they, you ask? Eh, they were okay.

If anyone has a story they want to share about their experiences at the new Yankee Stadium, please e-mail it to us at losersguidenyc@gmail.com

Introducing: Washington Symmetrical Park

2009-05-26T12:02:00.031-04:00

Our Critic-At-Large, Seth, makes the long voyage from the far reaches of uptown Manhattan down to West 4th St. to review the newly renovated Washington Square Park. Here are his thoughts:

If you enter the park at night from any of the four corners, it still feels creepy. Within seconds of stepping into the hallowed park's entryway, two different men approached with the familiar refrain, "Smoke, smoke?" My nostalgia roared.

I went to NYU for undergrad and spent my freshman year at a dorm on Washington Square South. I've walked through the park drunk and sober, in various stages of undress, in blizzards and scalding heat, past many, many colonies of rats. I've been offered marijuana, coke and ecstasy by comically conspicuous drug dealers and proselytized to by Hare Krishnas, Mormons, Christian Evangelists and Chabad. If I had a nickel for every time a homeless person asked me for money while sitting in the fountain, maybe then I'd give them something. Probably not though; NYU seriously dented my funds and that liberal arts education is taking a damn long time to pay for itself.

Anyway, enough of nostalgia. The interior of the park where all the renovations have been centered this past year and a half is, sad to say, much, much nicer than it was before. Forget about whether the fountain is aligned with the arch. There is just much more space to navigate. I stopped by the park in the daytime later in the week and, despite there being dozens of people, it still did not feel crowded. On top of this, there are more places to sit and more places for small bands to set up shop and perform without clashing with one another. The park is also more level now, so there is less likelihood it will flood as badly as it used to during rain storms.

I definitely considered myself part of the group of students and city inhabitants who were adamantly against renovating the park. At the time, it just seemed like we were exiling all the best spirits from the city with various construction projects - whether it's the spirit of Bob Dylan playing in the park or the spirit of Mickey Mantle in the old Yankee Stadium. And, of course, to make matters worse, the park was the only community space we NYU students could claim as (mostly) our own.

The truth is, I would rather have had the park for this last year and a half. The construction wasn't worth all the drama and inconvenience of closing it off. But now that it's done, I'm glad to have those renovations in place.

Most importantly, though, it seems some but not all of the old recurring characters in the park are still there. Tic and Tac performed their usual acrobatic routine to dozens of people on one side of the fountain; on another side a typically anachronistic folk band crooned to Going Down the Road Feelin' Bad. All the while, drug dealers canvassed the area for sales. But other key figures were sadly missing, at least for now. The homeless man who makes crafts out of match-sticks was nowhere to be found. Neither was the psychic Homeless Jesus there with his portable PSP system. And where in the world is the Dosa Man?

The real tragedy must be for NYU's class of 2009 who spent nearly half of college without the park, only to have it open up a few days after graduation. Sorry guys! At least you had Dimo Square a few blocks away.

Strangest NYC Job of the Week

2009-05-26T11:49:00.012-04:00

NBC & TONY ROBBINS CASTING: Big choice? Big Forgiveness? Big Conflict?

BREAKTHROUGH with TONY ROBBINS

In an instant life can change. An accident. An illness. An injury. A big mistake. An act of violence.

Because of a tragic event or set of circumstances, incredible people may suddenly find themselves in crises. When that happens, Tony Robbins is the man who can help. He is a famed life strategist, an international star, bestselling author, philanthropist, advisor and inspirational speaker to Fortune 500 executives, sports professionals and world leaders.

On Breakthrough, Tony Robbins will lend a hand to big-hearted heroes who have suffered a horrifying setback. Their dreams dashed, their future shattered, Tony will help them turn their lives around and achieve things they never thought possible.

TO NOMINATE A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER [OR YOURSELF], PLEASE SUBMIT:

Candidate name:
The event that changed their life:
Candidates (area code), phone number:
Candidates e-mail address:

Please also include a few sentences about the event or problem.

Also, if available, attach a photograph of the person affected.

EMAIL RESPONSES TO: TonyRobbinsCasting@gmail.com

This is a part-time job.

My Memorial Day Weekend Sit-On-My-Ass-Cation

2009-05-23T22:37:00.023-04:00

Last month I started dreaming of the sweet vacation that I would take over Memorial Day Weekend. However, as the weekend got closer, I thought maybe it'd be better to save on the money and planning and just do a fun staycation instead (maybe explore Chinatown or Astoria and call it an adventure). Yet, somehow even this proved too much to organize and my staycation got downgraded to a Sit-On-My-Ass-Cation.

Let me take a minute here to define some key terms. A vacation is a sometimes expensive retreat from the world of commutes, 9-5 jobs and an apartment with dishes and/or babies piling up. It usually involves some medium pampering, fine dining, awkward cultural meshing and a collection of all the qualities New Yorkers like us hate to see tourists exhibit in our own city.

A staycation is a cheap alternative to traveling. Rather than book a flight and hotel in god knows where for lord knows how much, staycationers take advantage of ethnic options in their own area. Perhaps nowhere is this an easier option to enjoy than in New York where six blocks is enough to transport you from Little Ukraine to Little Jewish Diaspora (yes, I just referred to the Lower East Side as Little Jewish Diaspora, deal with it!).

Now, a sit-on-my-ass-cation is really a last ditch option for those eager to step away from their daily lives but too lazy to move their feet. It involves a couch or bean bag chair, copious amounts of alcohol, dependable and delicious delivery food and, most importantly, the full 5-DVD set of Planet Earth. When you see that Snow Leopard hunting its prey on the Khyber Pass along the terrorist-infested Pakistan-Afghanistan border, you won't want to be anywhere else. And don't even get me started on the migration of Demoiselle Cranes struggling to fly over the tallest peaks of the Himalayas each year... Life is exhausting. Just sit and watch for a while.

- Seth

Let's Just Call It A Wardrobe Malfunction

2009-05-18T14:03:00.009-04:00

I was walking along Hudson Street in the West Village about to step into a Starbucks. I had been laying out in the park by the river "tanning" (when you're as white as me, you never actually tan; either you burn or freckle). Anyway, this may or may not explain why I was walking without a shirt on when Will Arnett saw me and my nipples staring at him. He was on the phone, but we both know he stared back and thought, "I've made a huge mistake."

- Seth

Sparks Fly on the Uptown 2

2009-05-18T01:31:00.006-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, my friend and I boarded an uptown express train at 42^nd street just looking to get home. We didn’t know it at the time, but we were walking into one of the most confusingly intense semi-showdowns that we would ever experience.

In the city, nobody really talks or looks directly at each other on the subway. This ride was dead silent, except for one man who was especially disgruntled, pacing back and forth, looking real steamed. As we skated past 86^th street, he exploded, pounding the top of the car with his fist and declaring that he was “SICK AND TIRED” of people always "grilling his shit" day in and day out.

It sounded serious. We had so many questions. Who was this guy? Who was grilling his shit, and why? What does that even mean? We waited and listened in silence along with the rest of the train, but that was about as clear as the situation would get.

The man carried on with other equally nebulous statements of anger, lamenting that “bitches don’t know” him, yet they “keep stepping” to him. He then extended an open invitation to all passengers while pounding his fists, saying that if anyone wanted to fight him, they should get off at the next stop. I was immediately relieved, knowing that the next stop wasn’t ours, and waited and watched from my perch next to a German tourist, like a nature photographer watching a tiger on the hunt.

The trip took much longer than expected, and the man, feeling the momentum of his threats waning, restarted his pacing and fist pounding, exclaiming “I cannot WAIT to get to this next station!!” and reminding us (in case we forgot) about the promised fight that lied ahead. At this point, the man’s friend, who did not share his anger, trudged over and pleaded “please man, if you get off, I’m not coming with you. We waited a half an hour to get on this train!”. But the man would have none of it, and when the train stopped at 96^th street, he stormed out like a man on fire.

I held my breath. Would anyone get off? Would fists start flying? Would there be blood? What happened was as anti-climactic as it was intriguing. Everyone who needed to get off did. Men, women, and children, as matter-of-factly as ever, walked right past the fuming man as if he hadn’t said a word the whole time. When the train rolled out of the station, a tall older man in the corner of the car spoke up. “I just bumped into him on my way in. I wasn’t going to fight the kid over it! Maybe 20 years ago, but not today…I’ve got to go see my nephew’s basketball game today!”

So there was a true slice of New York. Young anger, older wisdom, confrontation and voyeurism, floating in a sea of indifference.

- Varun and Daven

Random Advice From A Crowded Apartment

2009-05-17T20:29:00.022-04:00

If you live with two or more people in a NYC apartment in an attempt to save money on rent, you will probably get into many skirmishes with your roommates due to overcrowding. There is one small trick we've learned to reduce the chaos: force each roommate to box all their extra plates and silverware. Each person gets to keep one plate, one bowl, one glass and one set of silverware in circulation. This will help prevent your sink from looking like the floor of the East River.

Working Out in the Citay

2009-05-17T17:30:00.016-04:00

Whether you're into exercise or looking to get into it, there's a lot to think about for us all. You may have noticed city living isn't as unhealthy as one may at first expect it to be. After all, we do walk a lot everyday. Add to that evening activities like running from cops and the occasional hand-to-hand combat and you find yourself in a pretty sweet situation for remaining fit. But maybe you're looking to get the benefits of the urban lifestyle just mentioned without actually taking on that lifestyle. Well sure, but you just sapped the fun out of it for yourselves so don't complain if this gets dry.

The first thing to think about is what you want from exercise. There are various goals to have, and various different paths to take depending on which you pick. The most fiscally important difference being whether you need to join a gym or not. If you're looking mainly to get "fit," and by that I mean losing weight, getting leaner muscle, improving stamina, and improving cardio-vascular/circulatory health, an individually tailored mix of 'cardio' and calisthenics should do the trick.

That pretty much means you don't, strictly speaking, need a gym. You can run around the 1.5 mile Central Park reservoir track, bike the path along the Hudson River and dance the Harlem Shuffle in the streets. You can also get creative in the city's public spaces: Practice your pull-ups on street signs and scaffolding. Take advantage of jungle "gyms" to work out your upper body or do squats. Go kayaking for free in the Hudson and work out your back and arms. And do crunches and push-ups anywhere you damn well please.

However, if you wish to gain muscle mass or just want to tone your muscles you will need an assortment of weights, and possibly machines, that the majority of us can't squeeze into our tiny Manhattan apartments. And that means joining a gym. (Ladies: theres no rule that says weights aren't meant for you, too).

The YMCA and New York Sports Clubs are fine if you've got lots of cash to blow, but the cheapest gym by far is Planet Fitness (19$/month and regular deals that often make it even cheaper). The only problem with this bargain is that it's often ridiculously crowded. However, the gym has a strict "judgment free" policy so if you go there, you can be sure most people won't make fun of you when you stand near my incredible urban-toned body.

So start with some goals, that'll help with forming a routine for exercise that will get you the results you want (wow-have we heard that before). And be ready to change, add to, and take away from the routine as your work outs and goals develop. Later installments soon to come after I finish my upper body workout of scaling a building.

- Rishi

The Impossible Quest to Find a Quiet Bar on the Weekend Somewhere Along 14th Street

2009-05-17T16:54:00.019-04:00

Has this ever happened to you: It's Saturday night and you miraculously find a cool bar that's peaceful enough to drink and talk with friends. Until, after an hour, a band of drunk, raving Vikings invade the place and force you out? No? Well, I swear to Thor it has happened to me.

It was a typical Saturday night in the city. As usual, it seemed the entire populations of the five boroughs along with southern New Jersey, Connecticut and Long Island had made the sacred pilgrimage into the middle third of Manhattan to drink and/or dance themselves blind. Every bar, restaurant and crack in the wall overflowed with people.

My friends and I squeezed through the crowds along 14th street until we got to the emptier east end to meet my cousin and her friends at Otto's Shrunken Head Tiki Bar and Lounge on Avenue B. The bar itself goes a bit overboard with their design: painted mermaids on the windows, disgruntled wooden masks inside and straw hatches dangling over the counter. Nevertheless, it is a comfortable, relaxed setting where you can lay back in plush leather booths, order a cold beer or a drink that looks like lightning simmering in a glass, all while holding a solid group conversation. For nearly an hour, we did just that.

Then, without warning, a dozen supercharged men stormed the bar wearing viking helmets. In their first ten minutes, they swarmed around our table, cutting off all our breathing room and spilling a large mug of beer on my friend's dress shirt. We decided to leave the bar quickly after (though not before taking one of their viking hats as a souvenir). As we walked out the bar down 14th street, passersby asked us if the Viking Party had ended already. We sighed and trudged on.

It was just past midnight and we were unsure how much longer the night should go on. So we decided to stick to 14th street, working our way westward, to keep near all the subway lines. We wandered into the Crocodile Lounge but only made it far enough inside to smell the pizza in the back before getting fed up with the density of people there. Later we walked into the Beauty Bar, which combines my three least favorite things: crowds, techno music and beauty parlors.

The truth is there may not be a bar worth going to on that street that isn't in a state of chaos. If you want to succeed in this environment, you may have no choice but to act like a viking. Yet, as I found later, the best option may be to take a grand voyage to 13th street and go to Professor Thom's. The downstairs is your typical busy, loud sports bar. But the upstairs is a quiet lounge with comfortable chairs and a balcony to look out at the East Village. Buy your cheap drinks downstairs and chat in style upstairs in the lounge.

- Seth

Obama Endorses..

2009-05-17T16:46:00.012-04:00

Winter Coats in the Springtime. For the last few months, this clothing store on 125th street has marked the election of America's first black president by offering heavily discounted season-inappropriate clothing. I cannot wait for their Joe Biden Victory sale on shorts this winter! If you see a place, send it to us at losersguidenyc@gmail.com

Amy Poehler, Is That You?

2009-05-17T16:36:00.020-04:00

Last week, Seth Meyers saw me rolling around the West Village near Christopher Street in a black town car. For one glorious moment, he probably thought I was famous like him (I was wearing giant sunglasses and a scarf). But he quickly realized I was sitting in the front seat holding several shopping bags full of someone else's junk. Then he recognized me for what I truly am: an assistant to a b-list celebutecht (translation: a celebrity architect).

- Claire

Green Isn't Always Good

2009-05-17T16:36:00.019-04:00

Last month I got scammed for the first time. I'm a pretty skeptical person by nature and tend to ignore most people on the street who approach me for donations to buy a child, save a tree or fight the man. In fact, I've personally found that there are two simple things anyone can do to escape scam predators on the city streets: wear headphones and don't carry more than 30 bucks on you at any time.

However, the scammers finally found my one weakness: come to where I live. I had just returned to my apartment with one of my roommates after going out to a wine tasting. We were in good spirits and in the middle of telling a story as we walked down the hallway to our door, which is why we didn't pay much attention to the two guys in suits camped out by the elevator. A few minutes after we'd stepped into the apartment, we heard a knock. We answered and sure enough, it was them.

"We're with Con-Ed," one of them said. Then he pointed at the other guy and said, "this is my partner for the day. He's new and I'm just showing him the ropes." The other man smiled pleasantly and said hello. Then the first man continued. "We're just going around, checking peoples' most recent Con-Ed bills. You see, everybody should be getting a discount right about now and just want to make sure everything's in order. If you have one lying around, we can just check real quick and save you the trouble of being overcharged."

Never mind that it was 10 o'clock at night. Never mind that there was something called the Internet where we had electronic statements and updates about deals. I felt comfortable with their friendliness and figured that as long as I was not asked for a credit card, check or cash, nothing bad could happen. So I fetched the bill from the living room and brought it to them.

They scanned the bill and circled two or three places where we could save money. Then I watched as they wrote down the name on the bill, a couple numbers with dollar signs attached and the Con-Ed account number. They never asked for a credit card, but as I soon found out, they didn't need to. At the very end, they asked me to sign something. (I should mention here that the account isn't in my name so I figured my signature would not count for much). With that, they gave us some pieces of paper and left.

I knew I was scammed the moment I shut the door. I looked at the papers and saw they were with a company called IDT Energy. My first thought: Dammit, I've been hustled by a company whose name basically spells out IDioT!

I did a quick Google search and found several stories like this that explained how these people go door-to-door, getting Con-Ed customers' account numbers and then canceling their service. They then sign up those people with new IDT accounts. Customers usually end up paying more with IDT and on top of that, they pay a penalty to Con-Ed for canceling their accounts prematurely. The salespeople on the other hand make a nice commission through these scams.

IDT is a real company whose mission statement is "Buy Green today - for a better tomorrow." But if you've been scammed, your tomorrow will mostly be spent on the phone with Con-Ed, explaining the situation and telling them to freeze your account before it's too late.

- Seth

Strangest NYC Job of the Week

2009-05-12T22:50:00.006-04:00

Searching for a Ghost Writer for Metaphysics and Spirituality

**REQUIREMENTS
- Must be Drug Free
- Must be able to travel
- Must be educated and experienced on the profession

Please provide a Resume, Pic, or any other materials to present your skills. **Reason for photo: You may be caught on National TV

If this sounds appealing, check out the job here.

- Seth

You Can't Lay Off Yourself (Or Can You?)

2009-05-07T21:00:00.018-04:00

Disclaimer: This blog post is for informational and educational purposes only, and should not be construed as expert financial or legal advice.

During an economic recession the best way to keep your job might just be to become your own boss. Instead of complacently going into work each day, fearing that your supervisor might inform you of another corporate cut back that now also includes you, why not just run your day on your own schedule, complete projects at your discretion, and make all the executive decisions yourself?

While the idea of starting a small business might sound far-fetched for many, especially during times of economic meltdown, this approach may actually be one of the safest options available right now. Judging from recent economic trends, becoming your own boss might be the only way to gain any degree of job security in the current market.

Personally, I've really enjoyed the flexibility and creativity that being self-employed has offered. Last summer, I began doing independent consulting work in Upstate New York and then shortly thereafter started my own consulting firm. Friends of mine have been laid off since, but I've never been busier. I am currently working on projects for a total of ten client organizations and sifting through snazzy business card designs for my company.

One big advantage of being self-employed is that you can never get fired. Nonetheless, you may find that you actually become the hardest boss on yourself to make sure that all deadlines are met and that your clients are kept happy. I am constantly multi-tasking and often work nights and weekends. I've learned a lot about my capacity for self-discipline but I've also learned about the pleasure of making an important business call in my pajamas.

- Peter

Random Advice From A Jaywalker

2009-05-05T12:56:00.006-04:00

Don't just look left and right before crossing a street; look behind you too. In the city, many tourists and generally distracted pedestrians will follow you when you cross a street, even if the light is green. So make sure you're not leading them into a speeding truck.

Trapped in Salt Lake City

2009-05-05T00:00:00.003-04:00

With East Coast blood running through my veins, I bring you what will likely be the first of several installments of my strange adventures while Trapped in Salt Lake City. How, you might ask, does a native (non-Mormon) New Yorker end up in Salt Lake? Well the movie rights are for sale and I assure you it's an epic tale in line with your traditional Greek tragedy or modern day F* My Life entry. But until I see some royalties, I’ll keep you guessing.

I want to start my first correspondence to you all by being fair: the scenery here is breathtaking. There are towering snow-covered mountains home to some of the best skiing/snowboarding in the world, lazy rivers that are great for tubing and red rock faced canyons any climber would die for.

Yet, when the sun dies out, so does the fun. State liquor laws cripple any chance of a legitimate nightlife. First, bars are not bars in Salt Lake but rather private clubs. You can’t just walk into a bar and order a drink. Instead you have to actually buy a membership to the “club” before being admitted. I’ll stop for a minute while you wrap your head around that.

Now it actually gets even worse. Recently, I went out with a group of friends and after shelling out for a membership, we all sat down and ordered a round of beers, except one girl in the group who asked for a glass of wine. We were informed that we'd have to move to a different seating location in order for wine to be served. Grumbling, we moved across an imaginary line on the floor to a different table, but were now told we could no longer drink the beer we had purchased unless we ordered food as well.

Visibly agitated, we decided to move back to our original table to finish our drinks and order another round of Polygamy Porter because as their slogan states, “Why have just one?" When the server came over to take our request, she told us she was not allowed to serve us until our friend, who was only half done, finished completely, because no one is allowed to have more than one drink in front of them at any given time.

These are just a few of the ridiculous laws currently enforced in this great city. Be on the lookout for future installments to hear about more crazy practices and ways to get around a them (in case you ever end up trapped here), like ordering a Side Car to sidestep Utah's ban on drinks having more than one fluid ounce of alcohol.

And remember: next time you wind up sitting by a drunk on the subway who smells of week-old McDonalds, just smile to yourself and think of the alternative.

- Josh

Indiana Jealous?..

2009-05-04T15:05:00.004-04:00

Harrison Ford saw me walking out of an event in Greenwich Village the other day. He probably noticed I was much taller than him in person and that his obvious efforts at tanning still fell short of my natural almond hue. But he’s freaking Indiana Jones! I’m sure he took it like a champ..

- Varun

The End of the Line

2009-04-21T18:53:00.004-04:00

The subway apocalypse is near. If the state legislature can't agree on a transit bailout, fares will go up, lines will be cut and service will become even less frequent. And even if they do, fares will go up and service will stink like always. More and more New Yorkers are voicing their frustrations with city transit. Here's one of the more creative examples that we've found, thanks to gothamist.com.

What Ever Happened to Bird Flu?

2009-04-21T18:45:00.029-04:00

So, SWINE FLU. That's nice.

But did you know that there are other ways you can die? There are actually many lesser known Fluesies that can have some pretty tremendous effects on us. Now that you're curious, a little scared, and maybe confused, you may be thinking, What are you talking about? Well, my friends, after myself just learning that Swine Flu is NOT the only flu out there I decided to do a little research on others. So here they are, some up-and-coming flues with horrendous possible impacts on individuals and our society in general:

Turkey Flu Similar to Bird Flu, however it differs in that individuals with this subtype are known to develop a mass of epithelial tissue which protrudes from the neck from the larynx to the Cricoid cartilage similar to a turkey's Wattle. In some extreme cases people have grown "Snoods" from their noses as well.

Hamster Flu Individuals suffering from hamster flu have been known to suffer pregnancy, delivering a litter of hairless wrinkly babies, only to eat said babies.

Rat Flu If you live in a large city, look around, or in a mirror-that's what it does to you.

Reticulated Python Flu Individuals become able to unhinge their jaws and swallow large quantities of food, or other things. Unfortunately, there is a very strong correlation with this flu and choking deaths due to risky swallows. Severe body image problems are also common, as the shape of the swallowed food items and objects are easily visible. This has a tendency to make individuals suffering from RPF very self- conscious.

Cameron (subtype Kirk) Flu Individuals afflicted by this terror are often caught off-guard living carefree lives, undirected by deep analytical thinking on what may be termed the 'larger' philosophical issues of life. Soon after contamination, they transform and become rabid religious zealots, anxious to get the 'word,' as they have found it, out to the masses. Hallucinations, illogical thought processes and signs of dementia are common symptoms. This is not to be mistaken for the subtype Diaz variety, which generally affects younger males, with rapid onset of feelings of heat and blood rush to the genital region. Females are less susceptible, though not immune.

And finally the most frequently encountered flu that should not be forgotten or taken for granted:

Common Flu Symptoms include fever, aches and chills. It has been known to be lethal. From what I have gathered, the rapper Common is not actually the source, he is just the site of the flu's transformations, evolutions and a carrier. He has not been quarantined because, as far as I understand, to take away such a bright and positive light from hip-hop and music in general would be its own disaster for the world.

- Rishi

Spotted: Hungry White Female

2009-04-18T17:53:00.009-04:00

Mary-Kate Olsen saw me and my boyfriend eating brunch at an outdoor cafe on Hudson Street in the West Village. She seemed upset that we were eating. Her big bodyguard seemed jealous.

- Claire

Ads That Give Surpisingly Good Advice

2009-04-18T17:48:00.007-04:00

"Where Beauty Softens Your Grief" This insightful slogan is on the awning of Owen's funeral parlor on Lenox and 121st. Conveniently, there is actually a beauty parlor on the bottom floor of the building.

- Seth

The iPod Thief

2009-04-15T22:39:00.022-04:00

Next time you're sitting on the subway and your iPod stops playing music, do NOT assume it's because your playlist has finished.

I've met many people who've had their iPods stolen but I've never personally seen an iPod Thief. But that all changed the other day while I was riding the 2 train uptown.

A group of young guys were all standing together on the train when one of the younger boys (not even peach fuzz on his face) asked if he could have an iPod. One of the other boys (16 years old, at the most) said sure and handed him an iPod out of his backpack. When the younger boy looked at the iPod his response was "Uh, no...not this one!"

Naturally, this response made me wonder how many iPods these kids could possibly have. So I looked up and saw the older boy open his backpack only to reveal that it was filled with dozens of iPods. After searching through the loot, the younger boy picked the one he was searching for and walked back down to the other end of the subway car.

My immediate reaction was to bury my iPod deep in my bag and clutch it for dear life. Even though clutching it probably made me seem like a more likely target.

- Claire

Taking A Hike

2009-04-15T16:42:00.008-04:00

With the subway fare hike looming ($103/month starting in June) and warm April weather here, I decided to take a hint and kick myself off the subway. I've started biking to work, though not everyday since April is also the rainiest month. So for all you cash strapped commuters, it's time to memorize a new transportation map of NYC. Forget about the Green, Yellow and Red subway lines. It's time to focus on the Blue bike lanes. For a larger and more detailed map, go here.

- Seth

Random Advice from A Former Bakery Employee

2009-04-15T14:55:00.004-04:00

Go to any small shop with perishable foods a few minutes before closing time. Whether it's an upscale bakery or a Dunkin Donuts, these places will often offer you some last minute free food (usually if you are buying something else). My personal guilty pleasure: going to Subway and getting some of those fresh baked cookies. Delicious.

What About Ugly Babies?

2009-04-15T00:14:00.008-04:00

A new website collects some of the craziest posters and fliers from all over the city. These are not your typical advertisements for new movies or guitar teachers or fliers for missing dogs. Instead, the posters show off the city's many, many eccentricities. Here are some of our favorites:

- Seth

The Scam

2009-04-14T20:53:00.026-04:00

As a kid you receive a lot of simple safety advice that you assume will stay in the back of your mind until you need it. Well I have a terrible memory. But for your own sake try to remember all the mistakes I'm about to list.

I was walking on 7th avenue one dreary day when a red minivan pulled up next to me. A man with a strong Italian accent called me over in broken English. He pulled out a small subway map, and asked me for directions to get to Newark Airport.

After I explained how, he said, "You've been a really nice guy." Then he asked me where I worked. I was thinking I should go, but I also realized I had nothing much to do that day, except maybe get a tattoo.

He mentioned he works for Giorgio Armani and was in town for a fashion show uptown. He said he had lots of clothes leftover in his car and had to get rid of them before flying home or else pay an expensive export tax. He was in a tight spot and said, partly to thank me for my help, he could give me a jacket or two for free.

Did I need a jacket? No. Did I want free stuff? Yes. Even if I had no use for it, why not get something for free. Isn't that one of the main tenets of living in New York?

He invited me into his car and said to check out the jackets. I was hesitant at first and said I needed to get going. He said, "Don't worry, this isn't like a gay thing." He wasn't a very formidable person and I didn't feel in any danger. So after giving it a quick thought, I got in the car.

He gave me a spiel about the jackets and I noticed that his English got better as he went along. He pulled out one jacket at a time, each one more expensive than the last and asked me to feel the quality of the fabric. He asked me to pick three. He said they were a brand of Armani (Reportage) that I had never heard of and he named some audacious retail prices. He could give them to me half off.

As soon as I heard the prices, I laughed and said I should go. But he turned to me and said "Please, help me out. Do you know how much these jackets go for?" Then he asked, "How much do you have in your wallet."

I can't explain why but instinctively I reached for and opened my wallet. I counted my money. One hundred and twenty five dollars. Most of it money I'd gotten for my birthday a few days earlier. Now he knew I had $125. He said OK, but that's definitely not going to be enough for these fine Italian jackets. Then he offered to drive me to an ATM. This was definitely going too far. I told him no, my bank money was for rent, not for jackets. $125. He asked me which two jackets I liked the most and I picked two: one leather and the other suede.

He took the money from my hand. Now I had to stay in this car until I got something. So I dialed a friend hoping he could check the brand online, but he didn't pick up. The Italian got annoyed and said he was in a rush. So I grabbed the money back from him.

The man said he was offended and told me to get out of the car. He had to go to the airport. For some reason, I felt a pang of guilt for having offended this strange Italian man and said I didn't mean to. He looked at me sadly, showed me his Italian passport and said, "You don't believe me. Yet I believe everything you're saying!"

That was my final moment of introspection. Yes or no. I could get out of the car or get the two jackets. Yes or no. He said again how he was in a rush. So I took the two jackets, gave him the money and left.

As he drove away, I noticed his license plate wasn't a rental. The brand of Armani turned out to be fake. It was all a scam. If you ever thought it was safe to amble down a Manhattan street with 100+ dollars, not caring, you're wrong. Also, too much idle time really can hurt you.

-Rishi

The Best of NYC Graffitti, Vol. 1

2009-04-14T20:28:00.003-04:00

Some call it vandalism, others call it art. We at Loser's Guide call it free art. Like any vibrant city, New York has tons of graffiti, some great, some terrible. Here are some of the best and most bizarre works from all over the city:

NoLita

Williamsburg

Soho

West Village

- Claire

Obama Endorses...

2009-04-14T20:20:00.007-04:00

Fried Chicken. This Brooklyn chicken shack is one of two in the city that changed their name after Obama won. The other is in Harlem. Black leaders were outraged when they heard about it. What will Obama's name be used for next? If you see a place, send it to us at losersguidenyc@gmail.com

- Seth

Hitting Our Groove

2009-04-14T19:59:00.017-04:00

This week I came to the realization that only now, after 7 months of living in this city, have we finally really “hit our stride”. By this I mean a combination of settling in, finding a routine, and branching out.

For examples, we can start with our own apartment. It wasn’t until recently that I actually felt our place was becoming a livable reflection of its inhabitants, and not just a hodge-podge scattering of free and borrowed junk (see previous post on freeganism). All of a sudden our rooms have character, function, and (in my case, a very recent development) furniture.

A similar timeline shows up at work. It takes time to figure out the most efficient subway routes, the best spots for lunch and coffee, and to accept the reality that you can’t actually afford to have those things every day. It also takes time to get comfortable with your co-workers, to get to the point where you can get together for drinks after work and commiserate about your monthly reports.

Outside of work, it takes time to make friends, to figure out the places you like to go to, the places you want to go to, and the places you never want to go to again. It’s a great feeling to be able to say you “know a place” to get great falafel downtown (“Taim” on 222 Waverly Pl), or that you “know a guy” who gives solid haircuts for 10 bucks on the west side (“Barber Shop” 349 West 44th Street btw 8th & 9th Aves).

When you get to that spot where you’ve really found your groove in the city and you’re firing on all cylinders, it’s really a beautiful thing. But, as I’ve learned, it takes time to get there. So if you’re feeling a little clunky and out of place, fear not! Eventually you’ll hit your stride too.

- Varun

A True Gentleman

2009-04-14T19:58:00.015-04:00

Eliot Spitzer saw me today walking slowly through the lobby of a fancy 5th avenue office building. He grudgingly held the door open. Behind me there was a beautiful blonde woman who had walked out of the elevator after him. Perhaps Spitz was upset that he was holding the door for me and not her.

- Seth

Cutting Corners in Style

2009-04-14T19:49:00.014-04:00

This recession didn't change my life a whole lot. Even in those glory days when the Dow sat above 10,000, I was still recycling t-shirts I wore in the 6th grade (shirts my mom was saving for the grandchildren she hoped i'd give her someday). The recession just made cutting corners trendy.

So if you are someone who has just moved to NYC in hopes of living the dream, here's one way to get off on the right foot: spend as little on furniture as you can. Because there are so many other ways the city will suck money out of your pocket. (See post on The Scam)

How?

Keep your eyes on the calender. As the end of the month approaches, someone's lease is about to expire. No, I'm not suggesting you squat in their abandoned apartment (although do that at your own risk). As people move out, they inevitably leave perfectly good furniture behind rather than pay for a moving van. We furnished our entire apartment this way.

In the first three months we lived in Harlem we found, in no particular order, two televisions, two cushioned chairs as well as a full set of kitchen chairs, an end-table, two wardrobes, a bookcase and several storage bins. The trick here is to make sure the furniture hasn't been sitting outside too long. The best case scenario is you live in a large apartment complex and the furniture is left in the lobby..

If this doesn't work, also consider some useful websites like freecycle.org (whose noble mission statement is to encourage people to give away their stuff rather than throw it into a landfill) and of course don't forget to browse your local section of Craigslist.

The tricky part is finding a way to pull the room together and keep it from looking like a junkyard. We've found nothing disguises a haphazardly designed room like Christmas lights.

- Seth

Ads that Give Surprisingly Good Advice

2008-11-24T11:21:00.005-05:00

We agree: 9PM is definitely too late to call and find out it's not a costume party.

Creative Note-Taking

2008-11-11T21:37:00.001-05:00

Have you ever found yourself stuck in the middle of a long, arduous, mind-numbing meeting that you probably don’t even need to be at to begin with? Well I was there this past week at work, and in a desperate attempt to salvage my sanity, I stumbled upon a great new hobby, and (hopefully) a fun new blog post.

I call it “Creative Note-Taking.” It’s a pretty simple concept: as the meeting progresses, listen intently for small phrases or statements that may seem dull at the time but, if taken out of context and strategically placed in a very different context, could be considered particularly prescient or insightful. Then, after the meeting, pull out the choicest ones, try to match those phrases to more serious/interesting concepts or situations, and then sit back and enjoy the hilarity that is sure to ensue. It takes a keen ear and a little bit of practice, but after you get the hang of it, it can really be a lot of fun.

Here are some examples of phrases I fished out of a recent meeting about the minute logistics of an office holiday party, paired with more compelling lead-ins:

On learning to let go (actually a remark about monitoring volunteers)

“There’s certain things you just can’t control…”

On the naïveté of youth (actually a discussion on a floor plan)

“They turn the corner, and think it’s all over…”

On Life (table length)

“It would be nice if it were longer…”

On the dangers of government expansion (lunch breaks)

“You just can’t socialize when you're being watched…”

On Judgment Day (crowd control)

“People are going to end up being on both lines anyway…”

On the intricacies of espionage (delegation of responsibility)

“How would they have known who the professional was?”

On the heartbreaking monotony of work (arts and crafts)

“I’m just putting things in plastic, and that's it…”

See what I mean? It’s really a good time.

So the next time you’re stuck in an endless meeting about quarterly reports or quality improvement, do a little bit of creative note taking, and see what sort of treasures you can find in the rhetorical rubble.

- Varun

If You Thought the Q Train Couldn't Get Any Worse..

2008-11-11T21:09:00.010-05:00

A few months ago I was riding the Brooklyn-bound Q train when this young guy (probably 14 or 15 yrs old) got on at Canal Street with his Mom and Younger Sister. It's evening rush-hour so the car is packed. I'm pressed up against a door; he stands with his family, holding onto the pole a few feet away from me. Crossing the Manhattan Bridge, we start doing the whole Red Light/Green Light (mostly Red Light) thing. I have an iPod and a book, so I don't really mind.

We're maybe a third of the way over the bridge (Red Light) when people start scampering away from the pole. Lowering my book, I see that the teenager has dropped some foul-looking Chinese food all over the place. Since I've got a cold, I don't smell a thing, but it must smell horrible because other passengers are holding books, newspapers or bags over their faces. I should note here that there is no escape from this--doors between cars are locked.

Suddenly I realize I am mistaken about the mess; it's much worse than Chinese food. The teenager starts groaning and leans forward to spew vomit onto his sister's shoes. The entire train car is trapped together in this awkward nightmare. It's nice to have a cold, I think, as I observe this moment. His Sister is now freaking out so Mom takes her little hand and they step away from her sick brother. He is now isolated and projectile vomiting like the puppet in Team America...

Eventually the train starts moving again (Green Light!). The teenager straightens up and wipes his mouth clean with his sleeve. Mom and sister refuse to acknowledge him. I'm side-stepping the former contents of his stomach, which is streaming in my direction. I can almost smell it. I realize I wasn't so wrong before: it was Chinese food, once.

Five minutes later and we are rolling into DeKalb Avenue station, the first stop in Brooklyn, my stop. Most people on the car seem to have already grown accustomed to the stench by this point. Still, the car clears out in a flash (and, being true New Yorkers, nobody warns those waiting to get in). I glance back: the little family remains, but Mom and Younger Sister continue to ignore the boy.

- MM

Random Advice From A Girl (In the Rain)

2008-11-10T12:06:00.000-05:00

Never use your umbrella in the city without first figuring out the wind-to-rain ratio. If the wind is greater than the rain it's just not worth it. Unless you're wearing white.

What Do We Watch Now?

2008-11-07T12:25:00.000-05:00

Now that the election is over, it feels like Seinfeld has just ended. After nearly two years of watching the twists and turns in the headlines, agonizing over the shifting polls and learning everything about the characters, we have to find something else to watch. But at least with Seinfeld, there were re-runs and spin-offs afterwards. All we have now is Obama's presidency (and for the next 2 months, not even that). And let's be honest, once the news veers away from Crazy Alaskans and Hillary/McCain attacks and descends into the nitty gritty of everyday presidential policy matters, we'll look for entertainment elsewhere.

So now I'm reevaluating all the shows and websites I have spent so much time with these last few years. The Daily Show, Colbert Report, Keith Olbermann and Real Time with Bill Maher are all too left-leaning to be interesting anymore if we are not living in a world tilted to the right. The same goes for websites like the Huffington Post, Crooks and Liars and DailyKos and for magazines like Rolling Stone. In the last few days, these publications have all been giddy and joyful, running happy stories about how nice the world is (the big story lately has been about what kind of dog the Obama family will buy). And the world does certainly seem nice, but that doesn't mean I want to read about that all the time. I want to live in a perfect world, but I want to read stories that are filled with tension, frustration, drama, exhaustion, momentary triumphs followed by crushing, heart-shattering defeats.

So what's the solution? I'm switching to Fox News.

- Seth

Slow Post-Election News Day

2008-11-05T02:41:00.002-05:00

You know there's not much going on in the world when the top story in Google News is that it might rain in Georgia (the state, not even the country). Click to enlarge.

- Seth

Election Night in Harlem

2008-11-05T02:39:00.000-05:00

Above: Obama is officially declared the 44th President of the United States; the crowd soaks in the news, chanting, "we have reached the promised land." When Sarah Palin appears to be crying on TV during McCain's concession speech, some guys start shouting, "We've got pitbulls here, too!" Later the crowd spills out onto 125th street.

Below: people bought up huge amounts of election-memorabilia; passersby stare at an Obama ice sculpture outside Sylvia's, a famous soul-food restaurant.
After waiting hours in line to vote, then spending hours more gathering on 125th street to watch the election results, you'd think people would get tired. Apparently not. Hundreds of people were singing and dancing in the streets into the early morning hours. And the most spellbinding thing of all is that whites and blacks, latinos and asians all felt comfortable with each other. Some people may tell you not to go to Harlem after dark, but on election night I say you shouldn't go anywhere else.

- Seth

Election Day in the City

2008-11-05T02:36:00.000-05:00

Voting Forecast

The sign says it all

Voters line up around the block to vote in Union Square

Real Mavericks

- Claire

Funny Things that Happened While Waiting in a Two-Hour Line This Morning to Vote In Harlem

2008-11-04T13:02:00.002-05:00

I was asked repeatedly if I was a vet.

There was a man trying to sell a single towel rack and a pair of "beiged shoes."

One man behind me in line was on the phone trying for an early morning booty call: "Baby please, Imma need something after this line!"

The man standing right in front of me had the following dialogue with himself: "Man, this election is gona be cake. Shit! I need some cake.. Does anybody in this line have some cake??" He later was told that he was in the wrong polling place and had to leave.

Another man was upset he couldn't vote because someone had already signed his name on the registration."it was probably my brother, that damned idiot!" He then skulked away.

One man pumped up the crowd by shouting repeatedly "Y'all stay in line. Be late for work, today!" Another man confused the crowd by shouting incoherently into his phone, "Don't talk to me about that damn Maclain junk."

A man in front of me filled out a stack of lotto tickets. Just testing his luck, I guess.

COOL THING that Happened While I Waited in Line to Vote:

Other than the two guys who weren't allowed to vote at our site, not a single person of the hundreds in front of me left the line without voting.

- Seth

Random Advice From A Shopper

2008-11-04T13:02:00.001-05:00

Never buy a package of shirts that has "blooper" written on them. It means someone seriously messed up making them, so they are cheaper. But don't be fooled by the price, they have random holes everywhere.

Memories From A Boston Ex-Pat

2008-11-03T22:58:00.002-05:00

I lived in Manhattan for three years. For me, the city was bodegas, all-night diners (not like I ever ate in one past 7pm, but I liked having the option), the Village Voice (so I could read about all the things that other people might do on a Saturday night), and bagel shops with nearby benches. My idea of adventure was picking a random avenue and walking straight up from West 4th Street to West 104th. In short, I was a New York loser, too.

Now that I've moved to Boston, people often ask me what it was like to live in the big apple, with great anticipation in their voices. In these moments, I know I can either tell the truth and talk about how much food I ate and how many nights I spent sleeping in, or I can embellish. I have found that the latter elicits a more positive response. So here are a few general talking points you can use to make yourself seem a little bit more interesting, whether you’re an ex-pat like me or a current New York loser facing new acquaintances:

1. Be able to mention a favorite paradoxical ethnic restaurant. I use two, actually, though both are Polish and within blocks of each other on 2nd Avenue: Veselka, which has amazing rice krispies treats, and Little Poland, which has a secret Salsa night in the back room on Thursdays after you finish your rice pudding. I never danced there but just knowing about it does the job.

2. Have a hilarious testimony of a "crazy night out" that cannot be replicated. Usually, I talk about an experience at an off-off Broadway play called "Sodom", which I honestly thought was going to be purely biblical.

3. Have one bar that you went to every week. (I actually escaped that one – I didn't turn 21 'til I moved away!)

4. Tell a story about a crazy person who said something weird to you on the street, and a crazy roommate who said something weird to you before bed. This one isn’t difficult.

5. Have a favorite museum and something cultural/artsy that you know a lot about. Mine was Cezanne's "My Uncle as a Monk" painting at the Met.

The next one’s a clincher - a personal favorite technique to look good in front of friends who visited me while I was living in the city:

Have a regular coffee/donut cart. This is a good way to get a really bad cup of coffee and really awesome donut, but more importantly, a coffee/donut cart attendant that will unconditionally hit on you once you go a few times. This will make you look like a hottie in front of others. Men: you might have a harder time with this; female and gay male coffee/ donut cart attendants seem to be scarce.

- Samantha

Recipe for Success (Mild)

2008-11-03T14:49:00.002-05:00

Six months ago, I started my first, real grown-up job. My first day of work was the Monday after I graduated from college, allowing me a grand total of four days for my transition from university life to the real world. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. All I knew was that I had a job in New York City and that was good enough for me.

After my first week there, I wasn't really sure anyone liked me. It may have been in my head but everyone I passed seemed to glare at me or sigh heavily. This was bad. There was no way I could suffer through 40 hours a week of this treatment! I needed to do something drastic, and fast. Then it dawned on me: I had to bake. If my dazzling smile and can-do attitude wasn't going to win these people over, I knew some delicious cookies would do the trick.

There was only one cookie grand enough for this occasion: the Monster Cookie.

I made the cookies and put them in the kitchen with a note: "Thank you for a great first week!" I even added a smiley face to drive the point home. Within minutes of returning to my desk, I received several emails thanking me for the delicious cookies and welcoming me with open arms into the company. The monster cookies had worked their magic. Soon after, my coworkers even bought me a cookbook as a gift/strong-hint.

Warning: The friendship-effect of the Monster Cookies is not permanent. I now bake treats every week so that my coworkers continue to like me.

MONSTER COOKIES:

½ cup butter

1 cup white sugar

1 cup brown sugar

1 ½ cup peanut butter

3 eggs

1 tsp vanilla extract

2 tsp baking soda

4 ½ cups oats

Chocolate chips or m&ms (optional)

Peanuts (optional)

Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees.

Combine sugar, butter and peanut butter in a large bowl. Add the eggs, vanilla and baking soda. Stir until all ingredients are combined evenly. Fold in the oats and chocolate chips.

Form the batter into golf ball sized balls and place on an ungreased cookies sheet. (cookies can be larger or smaller based on personal preference)

Bake for about 10 minutes or until the oats become golden brown.

Allow the cookies to cool completely before serving.

Hand them out and watch the new friends come pouring in!

- Claire

Pirates!

2008-11-03T14:38:00.001-05:00

So when you’re bored and aimlessly surfing the Internets for an interesting news article at work, what sorts of things catch your eye? Maybe it’s a piece on the latest technological advances? Perhaps a little celebrity gossip? Or maybe even some good ol' fashioned small town news. Well if you’re like us, none of the above quite suffice. We want the whole package: mystery, suspense, action, international conflict, and when at all possible, sexy, sexy romance. It wasn’t until recently that we realized that we could have it all and more just by taking a step into the captivating world of pirates.

About a month ago, we stumbled upon an article about a Ukrainian ship that was seized on the African high seas by a troupe of Somali pirates. Turns out this ship was carrying more than just borscht and sausages. On board were about $30 million worth of grenade launchers, ammunition, and battle tanks, possibly to help feed the genocide in Sudan, and these pirates were fixin' to get paid. By the time I woke up the next day, the pirate ploy had escalated into a full-fledged international conflict. The United States and Russia had the pirates surrounded, with their cannons (??) locked and loaded, and half a dozen other countries preparing for battle.

Naturally, you'd assume the lowly pirates give up and hand over the booty right? WRONG! As we would later learn in a far-ranging interview with the pirates’ spokesman (yes, even pirates have spokesmen), these are no ordinary pirates. Like so many others, these pirates are misunderstood. Turns out they’re really just good chaps protecting their waters from illegal fishing expeditions. This hijacking and ransom thing, it's just what they do to help pay the rent and put food on the table. When asked if they were scared of the big bad Americans and Russians shaking their fists, the pirates responded the way only real pirates could: “You only die once," they say. Brilliant.

Needless to say, this story has provided days upon days of entertainment and excitement for us. More than that, though, it’s given us a sense of escape. We live in the greatest city in the world, but even that can get boring sometimes. Now as we sit in our cubicles at work, or munch on our spaghetti at night, we can dream about those swash-buckling pirates out somewhere in the Indian Ocean, stealing tanks, and sticking it to the man.

- Varun

A Journalist Reports on His Hunt for Jobs

2008-11-03T00:41:00.001-05:00

Finding a job in New York is pretty simple. But finding the right job in New York is damn near impossible. I found this out the hard way when I graduated from NYU. The only thing that changed for me work-wise after college was that instead of homework, I spent 4 hours a day looking through job sites like Craigslist, JournalismJobs, and Mediabistro. I found a lot of interesting postings but very few serious opportunities. The truth is, sites like these make it too easy to be passive in the job process. If you really want a job, you have to stop ducking behind your computer and make physical, personal contact with potential employers.

That said, here is a quick guide to interpreting whether a job posting is right for you:

1. Freelance Menu Project Assistant: New York Magazine's website, nymag.com, is seeking outdoor-types with an interest in the restaurant scene to collect menus by foot and by phone, and prep them for the data entry team (i.e., light clerical work and some typing). Candidates should be comfortable spending days walking the streets of Manhattan, Brooklyn and Queens, have excellent organizational skills, a professional phone manner, and previous typing experience. One full-time position. Must reside in the metro area.
Pay: $12/hour

I give this job a 6 out of 10. It really appeals to my two secret hobbies: Journalism and pretending-to-be-a-delivery-person. Unfortunately, its a tough sell since there's really not much opportunity for advancement...

2. A now-expired job-description read: Online company is seeking an experienced freelance health writer to produce two bladder-related articles a month. Ideal applicant should have contacts that are urologists.

I give this one a 4 out of 10. The positive is that you finally get to write about pee and get paid for it. But the negative side is that you're writing about piss. (Although, it is only two articles a month.. you'd still have free time to write about all those other fun things like vasectomies and ulsers.)

3. BECOME PART OF THE NEXT ROLLING STONE..... SERIOUSLY.
A pop culture, progressive magazine is looking for very talented editors and writers (freelance and staff).
Person must be self-reliant, creative, young, cool, and passionate.

I'll give this one an 8 out of 10. I just can't help but think they are specifically targeting me with those job-requirements. And really, who wouldn't want to be a part of the next Rolling Stone? I mean this is definitely going to attract all those dejected college grads whose dreams of working at their favorite magazine were shattered by reality. So kudos to that. Only negative: I'm pretty sure this magazine is run by crack-heads and will tank in less than a year.

Note: This was the one job that called me back. Three months later.

- Seth

Dr. Strangelove or: How An Aspiring Med School Student Learned to Stop Worrying and Donate Sperm

2008-11-01T16:08:00.002-04:00

Warning: The following post is not meant for our 15-24 year old female readership. If you are in this demographic, be careful: you will probably think this one is creepy and weird.

Seeing as to my joblessness as of late, I decided to try a creative brainstorm with all of myselves. What would our dream job be. Anything: working at the zoo with many different types of animals, being in charge of puppies or something like that cause puppies are awesomely cute and make us want to take care of them. Or being some kind of hitman and getting paid shitloads for offing jackasses and lowering the jackass population at the same time, which by the way is ruining this semi-beautiful city of ours (and by ours i mean mine). Or having sex for money. Somehow the only option that seemed viable among everything I thought of was the last one. But since I didn't want to search for a good pimp, I decided that maybe the sex part could be left out. I could jerk off for money!

So that led me to the wondrous world of sperm donation. Cause come on, I make 'em anyways, why not get paid for 'em? All you need to do is serve 'em in a cup to some sperm acceptor or something, right? Well, kinda. So there are a couple of state certified laboratories in the city dealing with fertility matters and sperm. You could go to some other shady place that isn't "certified" if you really are into shadiness. Now, I live in the shade so in theory I was all for whomever would accept my sperm, but then my brain switched on. Sperm + egg ---> embryo ----> baby (most likely Homo Sapiens for me) ----> kid ----> adult dude/dudette.

Whoa. So wait a second, me putting sperm into this cup is gonna make a baby? YES. But you're not there yet. Anyways, suffice it to say I wanted to produce a child I would have no responsibility for or knowledge of in a slightly more responsible manner. Cause honestly, uncertified places could be exporting my babies to China, and really, we can't let them have any more people cause they're gonna overtake the world and I really don't want to have to learn Mandarin. So now I decided on a state certified lab and thought, hey I'll be jerking off in no time flat. But it wasn't that simple.

Apparently, the sperm donation world is pretty particular. From the very outset there were criteria written up to keep away the riffraff. For example, "We don't usually accept donations from those under 5'11"- this is because most women want someone tall to anonymously fuck for their tall babies. I signed up anyway and stayed up nights wondering if I would get a call back. I did. So I scheduled a meeting, preceding which I wasn't allowed to be active for 2-5 days. That sucked.

I was ready to explode by the time I got there. Oh yeah, it was in the Empire State building. I was ready to explode as soon as I saw the Empire State building. But I held it in, cause that's what a prime sperm donor would do. So as I sat there filling out the many many pages of forms, which collected all the personal characteristic information that anyone could possibly want to hear about me, and occassionally stared out the window at the tiny ants of people, I thought "Do I really want to do this?"

- Rishi

Halloween Democracy

2008-11-01T15:53:00.001-04:00

Halloween transformed New York City for one raucous night. But this year, I couldn't stop myself from wondering if the night foreshadowed what the world will look like in a few days if McCain and Palin win the election. Long lines of people stocking up on groceries, Sarah Palin impersonators wildly trolling the streets, policemen everywhere trying to quell all the hooligans shouting "Riot, riot, start a fire!" Not to mention all the zombies...

Oh well.

Usually, I love Halloween for the simple reason that it is the one day of the year when everyone is on equal footing: anyone can be cool as James Dean or dull as Joe Biden, just by wearing a mask. It's a night where being a freak is actually enviable. I love Halloween because all it takes to be the coolest person in the room is a good idea for a costume. Unfortunately, this year, I had none.

As the countdown to the night's festivities began, my friends latched onto their last ideas for costumes: one cut out a white shirt and a yellow shirt and called himself an egg (he spent the night asking girls to figure out what he was), another wore his army jacket and called himself a vet (you have to look inside to see the wounds, he said). It reminded me of a previous year where a friend had dressed in blue with a tag on him saying "Yonder," and when people asked him what he was, he'd go crazy and say, "I'm the wild blue yonder."

It's a reminder that you always have the power to define yourself. For the first time I decided to embrace Halloween in my own skin. Now, here are the reasons why you should never be yourself in New York City: 1) If you're not wearing a costume, many clubs will either turn you down or charge you money to enter. 2) When people ask what you are, and you say "I'm just me!" They probably won't stick around long. 3) You'll be even easier to identify in embarassing Facebook photos. 4) Because it's Halloween, idiot.

- Seth

If This is A Curry Dream, I Don't Want to Curry Wake Up

2008-11-01T15:34:00.001-04:00

So another Diwali has come and gone. For those (hopelessly misinformed) readers who don’t know, Diwali is one of the most important holidays in India, celebrated by millions upon millions of Hindus, Sikhs, some Buddhists, and Jains alike. It is a festival of lights (yes, I know, like Chanukah!), where people celebrate the victory of good over evil, and knowledge (light) over ignorance (darkness).

To celebrate this year, we decided to all get together for a delicious Indian dinner after work. Ah, but at which reputable institution of South Asian cuisine would we be dining? In most other cities, this would be an easy decision making process: just pick one of the three decent Indian joints in town (the one where the samosas don’t give you the runs) and call it a day.

But in New York, there are always too many choices. Not only are there over a hundred places to pick from, but they all claim to be the best thing since sliced naan. So what is to be done when placed in this particular type of pickle?

Well, what we decided to do is to log on to citysearch, search for the most hilarious restaurant review we could find, and pick that place with little or no regard to the actual menu, prices, ambiance, or location.

It wasn’t long before we stumbled upon a real winner by the name of ‘Curry Dream’. The very first review, entitled “Curry makes me cuuuurazy” immediately caught our eye, and soon, our hearts and stomachs would follow. Read this, and tell me you wouldn’t take the first train out to this place:

Curry Makes me cuuurazy!

08/26/2008 Posted by boyacasha

I was a virgin to curry and indian cuisine for a long time. A friend of mine came over one day and offered me a deal. I go with him to try some indian and he'll go with me to the pink floyd laser show. From that moment forth I start to giggle when I think of indian and curry . I always feel a little crazy. But good crazy, not bad if you get what im throwin at you. Still to this day I hadnt tried curry dream, until recently. i ate and ate and ate. and heck if i didnt have a blast. the curry is scrumptios. like a date with some yummy and spicey, eerr spices. forever i am indebte dto my friend, pink floyd and the curry bean of yesteryear. feel me? love at first curry. go to curry dream, youll never want to wake up again.

Pure poetry!

As it turns out, the food was good, and we all had a New York City Diwali that we’ll never forget. So score 1 for the hilarious restaurant review method, if you get what I'm throwin at you.

- Varun

Recipe for the Perfect Halloween Party Disaster

2008-10-25T11:50:00.000-04:00

Halloween is nearly here and with it so is that desire to throw your own perfect Halloween bash. It should be easy: pick your costume, pick your friends and pick a venue in the city to combine the two. But New York City, god love it, always knows how to throw a wrench in your plans.

The entire week of Halloween is already booked with other parties and events going on downtown. So in order not to conflict with anyone, we made our Halloween party two weeks in advance. Unfortunately, that means our party was only two days away from the moment we thought of it.

Realizing time was key here, we used our magic Facebook-powers to create an event in less time than it takes for Sarah Palin to say "Maverick."

Without thinking, we invited 100 people. This is never a good idea: it's too many people if everyone shows up, and since 100 is an easy number to do math with in your head, if too few people show up, everyone will be able to calculate the tiny percentage of people who like you.

We made two more amateur mistakes: first we suggested to BYOB and second we didn't establish a solid starting time for the party, suggesting people could show up "whenever." In the city, everyone needs a plan and the promise of cheap or free drinks to get them moving from point A to point B.

Finally, we ignored the most basic rule of a good Halloween party: wear costumes. Instead we suggested people just wear stickers stating the idea for what they want to be. Unfortunately, that's like expecting a turkey sandwich and being handed a recipe written in mustard.

So here's the punchline: If you really want to throw a Halloween party weeks before the actual day, and you're too cheap to buy drinks or can't plan ahead enough to buy a costume, just pretend it's your birthday and maybe people will show up anyway. Maybe.

- Seth