Picking the Perfect Seat in a NYC Movie Theatre

We forced our Senior Cheapskate Correspondent, Seth, to see "Whatever Works" in theaters this weekend. We hoped that this movie, which marks Woody Allen's return to filming in New York City, might inspire Seth to write a kick ass review. Instead he wrote this blog:

I went to see Whatever Works this weekend in the Upper East Side and was overwhelmed by the chaos of the NYC movie theater. Old Jews and Jewesses were cackling with every Woody Allen punchline while teens fornicated in the front rows. Meanwhile a solitary old woman spent the first fifteen minutes of the film staring at me as though I'd hurled her cat out a window. With all this in mind, here are a few rules I've found useful for picking the best seat in a NYC movie theater. Because in this city, a cell phone ringing in the middle of a movie is really the least of your problems. NYC is filled with crazy characters, but when you have to pay 12 bucks for a ticket, the last thing you want is for them to be the show.

Rule #1: Avoid people sitting alone. Yes, we all like to go to the movies solo once in a while. But more often than not, the people who you do see all by themselves at the theater are among the craziest.

Rule #2: Don't sit near anyone wearing bags instead of clothing. Just don't.

Rule #3: Stay away from young lovers (too many public displays of affection) and old couples (too many public displays of aggravation). Instead, find a nice middle-aged couple who have grown comfortable with the fact that they have nothing left to say to each other.

Rule #4: Keep away from people eating hot dogs (messy) or holding an enormous drink (definite mid-movie bathroom run).

Rule #5: Sit on the aisle or else sit dead center. The former cuts your chances of having a crazy person next to you in half. But it also means you'll have to get up to let people in and out of your row much more often. The latter avoids this problem and positions you well for watching the film. But then you've got to deal with those extra crazies. Your choice.

Two final points to remember: Always arrive early enough to sample your seat. It may seem fine at first, but if the person next to you starts weeping loudly during the first preview, be ready to switch. And second, remember that we all have different degrees of tolerance. Some people may prefer to sit next to a crazy person if it spares you from sitting in the front row. Personally, I'd take the neck pain and eye strain, but that's just me.