What Ever Happened to Bird Flu?

So, SWINE FLU. That's nice.

But did you know that there are other ways you can die? There are actually many lesser known Fluesies that can have some pretty tremendous effects on us. Now that you're curious, a little scared, and maybe confused, you may be thinking, What are you talking about? Well, my friends, after myself just learning that Swine Flu is NOT the only flu out there I decided to do a little research on others. So here they are, some up-and-coming flues with horrendous possible impacts on individuals and our society in general:

Turkey Flu Similar to Bird Flu, however it differs in that individuals with this subtype are known to develop a mass of epithelial tissue which protrudes from the neck from the larynx to the Cricoid cartilage similar to a turkey's Wattle. In some extreme cases people have grown "Snoods" from their noses as well.

Hamster Flu Individuals suffering from hamster flu have been known to suffer pregnancy, delivering a litter of hairless wrinkly babies, only to eat said babies.

Rat Flu If you live in a large city, look around, or in a mirror-that's what it does to you.

Reticulated Python Flu Individuals become able to unhinge their jaws and swallow large quantities of food, or other things. Unfortunately, there is a very strong correlation with this flu and choking deaths due to risky swallows. Severe body image problems are also common, as the shape of the swallowed food items and objects are easily visible. This has a tendency to make individuals suffering from RPF very self- conscious.

Cameron (subtype Kirk) Flu Individuals afflicted by this terror are often caught off-guard living carefree lives, undirected by deep analytical thinking on what may be termed the 'larger' philosophical issues of life. Soon after contamination, they transform and become rabid religious zealots, anxious to get the 'word,' as they have found it, out to the masses. Hallucinations, illogical thought processes and signs of dementia are common symptoms. This is not to be mistaken for the subtype Diaz variety, which generally affects younger males, with rapid onset of feelings of heat and blood rush to the genital region. Females are less susceptible, though not immune.

And finally the most frequently encountered flu that should not be forgotten or taken for granted:

Common Flu Symptoms include fever, aches and chills. It has been known to be lethal. From what I have gathered, the rapper Common is not actually the source, he is just the site of the flu's transformations, evolutions and a carrier. He has not been quarantined because, as far as I understand, to take away such a bright and positive light from hip-hop and music in general would be its own disaster for the world.


- Rishi