Random Advice from A Free NYC Enthusiast

Given how expensive New York can be, it's understandable that many of us are on the lookout for free things. We've gotten free bar food, iPod accessories, movie screenings, leftover furniture and we are regular suckers for wine tastings. But not everything that's free is good, and there is one free thing in particular that you should avoid at all costs: Free Art Shows at the Mormon Church. It may sound like a decent idea at first. Who doesn't like art? And who cares if it's religious, isn't most good art religious? And, of course, it's free! But trust us, once they get you inside that Church, you'll have to fight your way out. So if you want a good free art show, just go to the Moma on Fridays instead.

Random Advice from An (Employed) Playwright

The Losers Guide has decided to break with its long tradition of putting up original advice for New Yorkers in the hopes of bringing you a particularly insightful quote. The following is an excerpt from this year's College of Mount St. Vincent commencement speech given by John Patrick Shanley, the playwright who penned Doubt. We hope you enjoy it as much as we do.

"Not to bring up something upsetting, but when you leave here today, you may go through a period of unemployment. My suggestion is this: Enjoy the unemployment. Have a second cup of coffee. Go to the park. Read Walt Whitman. Walt Whitman loved being unemployed. I don't believe he ever did a day's work in his life. As you may know, he was a poet. If a lot of time goes by and you continue to be unemployed, you may want to consider announcing to all appropriate parties that you have become a poet."

Random Advice from A Harlem Sports Fan

If you're looking for a sports bar to watch a baseball game near your apartment in Harlem, don't even bother. Just cough up the two bucks and take the subway downtown.

Random Advice From A Public Urinator

Yes, we know it's gross, but at some point every guy (and some girls) end up pissing outside in desperation. This is especially true in the city where you spend so much time walking at night between bars. The problem is that in NYC you're usually exposed to other pedestrians and possible cops. So you want a place that's out of sight, but not so secluded that you end up with your pants down in a sketchy dark alley. The trick is to find a Hummer (it's the one thing they're good for) and go behind it. Best of all, you won't feel too guilty since those bastards are destroying the world anyway. One more thing: unless you're the drunk lunatic who lives down the block from me, don't even try pissing during the daytime. Just go to Starbucks.

Random Advice From a Pissed Off Pedestrian

When the traffic light turns red, and the white man says you can walk, but that one jerk Escalade or yellow cab decides that the rules don’t apply to him and tries to turn anyway, give that car a nice old slap on the backside. Not enough to leave a dent or a mark, but just enough to let it be known that he’s a total wanker and you’re not gona take it anymore! If the car then pulls over, and the driver looks bigger than you, try to run faster than him.

Random Advice from A Brooklyn Bystander

If you are walking down the middle of Bedford Avenue shouting out the Truth about Government, God and Aliens, and the homeless man sitting in front of the New York Muffin store on the corner turns to his imaginary friend to tell him how crazy you are, you have a problem.

Random Advice From A Crowded Apartment

If you live with two or more people in a NYC apartment in an attempt to save money on rent, you will probably get into many skirmishes with your roommates due to overcrowding. There is one small trick we've learned to reduce the chaos: force each roommate to box all their extra plates and silverware. Each person gets to keep one plate, one bowl, one glass and one set of silverware in circulation. This will help prevent your sink from looking like the floor of the East River.

Random Advice From A Jaywalker

Don't just look left and right before crossing a street; look behind you too. In the city, many tourists and generally distracted pedestrians will follow you when you cross a street, even if the light is green. So make sure you're not leading them into a speeding truck.

Random Advice from A Former Bakery Employee

Go to any small shop with perishable foods a few minutes before closing time. Whether it's an upscale bakery or a Dunkin Donuts, these places will often offer you some last minute free food (usually if you are buying something else). My personal guilty pleasure: going to Subway and getting some of those fresh baked cookies. Delicious.

Random Advice From A Girl (In the Rain)

Never use your umbrella in the city without first figuring out the wind-to-rain ratio. If the wind is greater than the rain it's just not worth it. Unless you're wearing white.

Random Advice From A Shopper

Never buy a package of shirts that has "blooper" written on them. It means someone seriously messed up making them, so they are cheaper. But don't be fooled by the price, they have random holes everywhere.