Trapped in Salt Lake City

With East Coast blood running through my veins, I bring you what will likely be the first of several installments of my strange adventures while Trapped in Salt Lake City. How, you might ask, does a native (non-Mormon) New Yorker end up in Salt Lake? Well the movie rights are for sale and I assure you it's an epic tale in line with your traditional Greek tragedy or modern day F* My Life entry. But until I see some royalties, I’ll keep you guessing.

I want to start my first correspondence to you all by being fair: the scenery here is breathtaking. There are towering snow-covered mountains home to some of the best skiing/snowboarding in the world, lazy rivers that are great for tubing and red rock faced canyons any climber would die for.

Yet, when the sun dies out, so does the fun. State liquor laws cripple any chance of a legitimate nightlife. First, bars are not bars in Salt Lake but rather private clubs. You can’t just walk into a bar and order a drink. Instead you have to actually buy a membership to the “club” before being admitted. I’ll stop for a minute while you wrap your head around that.

Now it actually gets even worse. Recently, I went out with a group of friends and after shelling out for a membership, we all sat down and ordered a round of beers, except one girl in the group who asked for a glass of wine. We were informed that we'd have to move to a different seating location in order for wine to be served. Grumbling, we moved across an imaginary line on the floor to a different table, but were now told we could no longer drink the beer we had purchased unless we ordered food as well.

Visibly agitated, we decided to move back to our original table to finish our drinks and order another round of Polygamy Porter because as their slogan states, “Why have just one?" When the server came over to take our request, she told us she was not allowed to serve us until our friend, who was only half done, finished completely, because no one is allowed to have more than one drink in front of them at any given time.

These are just a few of the ridiculous laws currently enforced in this great city. Be on the lookout for future installments to hear about more crazy practices and ways to get around a them (in case you ever end up trapped here), like ordering a Side Car to sidestep Utah's ban on drinks having more than one fluid ounce of alcohol.

And remember: next time you wind up sitting by a drunk on the subway who smells of week-old McDonalds, just smile to yourself and think of the alternative.

- Josh